Musings – An Endeavour to writing

“What is that you truly desire?” A twinkle in Lucifer’s deep eyes would force all to reveal their hidden desires. He closely observed them as the human struggled to get away from his clutches…

Today the overwhelm and restlessness was making him pace in the room. Alcohol seemed ineffective in drowning his anxiety. Why on earth was he thinking about emotions? Those insignificant nothings! Humans were weak for they gambled with them.
He was unable to gather what had started this chain of thoughts. It is always the voice in the head that wants to control the narrative. It seems to want all the answers.

He struggled with trying to know his own desires. Unable to distinguish between feelings and sensations. The only emotions he had ever understood were being “happy” and “unhappy” . Simple. No complexity. Why? Alexithymia, is it?

As a child, he had always managed himself well. Strong and always in control. He learned this as he was told crying and emotions were for girls. Men were brave. Brave? Or emotionless? As a young boy, he struggled to receive from his Dad an acknowledgment for recognition for being himself. His worth. Often dismissed as insignificant, not meeting those expectations his parents had from him. He struggled and gave up. His silent cries could not reach his father’s heart then and his silent sighs go unheard even now. Emotions defy time and age. Boundaries or walls? Or just perceptions? A path to cognitive disassociation.

Distant cold mess. Unforgiving his parents for letting him be what he was. He hated himself for the meaningless storm and rage he carried. A fire constantly burned within him. A Hell!

Today, unable to brush aside his overwhelm, he stood in front of the mirror and looked in his own ember eyes with that familiar twinkle… What is that you truly desire..?

His reflection echoed… “I desire to get rid of all my fears!” “Fears?” His devils reflection seemed to nudge. Lost in introspection he sighed. The reflection continued to speak in his mind…
“Fear of my own individuality, fear of my essence as a being and above all fear of being loved as I am!”

“Impossible!” Echoed another voice somewhere. Loud and clear. Drowning all the chatter.

Silence.
The darkness began to rise in the eternal night. Upsurged within him together the shame and sorrow; resentment and wild rage that could destroy humanity. He detested humans for their selfishness, greed and all the vices, however, he hated himself more for all the wrath and vengeance he carried in his heart.

But, anger is not always anger! It can be all the emotions you can’t express. Anger springing up from insecurity, betrayal, helplessness, from feeling unworthy, sad, frustrated, and anger for Alexithymia itself!

There is more good in a person but the society always points to what is not. All the emotional obsession with chaos, itself is a reconstruction of complicated trauma.

Hemp giving the same intensity of dopamine that love did. Flirtations games and addictions, the same amount of adrenaline rush. The emotional states unleashed, unmindfully!
Cognitive distraughtion. Anger, grief, shame, sadness seem to drown in liquor, all those painful experienced would have healed the so-called invincible being trying to escaping the matrix!

God smiled at his son meaningfully, “Son, remember that you have free will to abandon or to accept. Being worthy is a choice. Undoubtedly, healing is messy!”

It is not about changing the world, on which we have no control but recognizing own worth. It is noteworthy that you can take your power back by accepting all the pain and the hurt others caused you. Accept yourself, you still are worthy. Self regulate. Choose to ask this anger- where do you come from? Why am I feeling all this anger? What is that I need to focus on? What do I fear? Why, what, how ?

So now, do look in the mirror and ask what it is that I truly want to be? What all you want will surely follow when you are determined. Reset. Reclaim. Be the authentic being you are meant to be!