Breaking the stereotype: Jassi Jaisi Koi!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

Personality Contest was an important event at the cultural fest at SPM College, Delhi. I stood there in the corridor accompanying my three beautiful friends, least interested in that event. Make-up and all… uh, not my cup of tea!
It was our first year in college. In those days, ‘college’ was not just an institution. It was a platform to create self-identify. In the absence of social media, it was ‘the community’. Being ‘cool’, ‘being popular’, and being ‘sought after’ were important validations, just as career goals (if not more!). I had always been an ambivert (partly extrovert, partly introvert), beside being a Tomboy. Quick to make friends and known for playing pranks on people.
I loved to believe, I was not a delicate darling, but a strong, rough, and tough girl!
The senior wrote the names of my friends on the paper and flapped the shabby paper at me with a look of contempt. “You can’t apply! You are not selected.”
I never wanted to participate in the first place! It was not “my type” of an event.
However, her way of speaking put me off. Anger took over. Now through therapy, I understand better what I did not know then, that, ‘anger’ can be a blanket emotion.
So with all the hurt in my heart and ‘feeling not good enough’ and ugly, I walked towards doing what I had never done before. Quite impulsively, I approached the lecturer concerned with my request.
“Ma’am, although this event is not my kind, and I understand that I will be eliminated in the first round itself, kindly give me a chance to participate.”
She was quick to give her consent and my name was added along with my friends.

Chemicals in the brain… I could feel the rush! I didn’t realize that I had got myself in an uncomfortable zone.
It was a new journey as I started to prepare for my participation with only three days at hand.
I did not have any pair of heels. So I went to buy them. Much to my embarrassment, when I tried to walk, I fell. I hated it. I found it hard to practice for the ramp walk. I kept encouraging myself by saying, “It is for one round only, then I will be in the audience with my class, cheering my friends. Hooting and enjoying.”
The day came and I literally wrapped my saree (as it was far from being draped!) and hair tied with a clip, rushed to the college. In our English department classroom, the whole bunch of girls took over. My saree was draped beautifully. My hair was done in a nice top-notch bun. Personal Make-up boxes were there and I don’t even know what all went on my face. Honestly, I did not even look at myself in the mirror. I was somewhere else all the time. I was physically present but mentally away in my own world. There was this constant battle going on in my mind. My ego was bruised. No one knew about it. It had me in flames. I didn’t care a two penny, about the contest. It was all about being on the stage.
Since I did not have time to buy contact lenses so, I had decided that I would remove my glasses in the first round which was the ramp walk and introduction, then I had plans to enjoy among the audience.
On the stage, red curtains were drawn. The carpets were also red. Oh my God…I couldn’t see without my glasses. There was now a threat of tripping over the carpet in my new heels. (I had to mentally focus to keep my weight backward when I walked). To add to that stress now, there was a danger of me literally walking off the stage. The red color was a big distraction. I could not see where the stage ended! I hated myself for putting me there!
However, once I was there on the stage, I felt home. Something took me over. I was comfortable and at ease. Surprisingly, I started to enjoy myself. During my introduction, I honestly told the judges and the audience that I had been a tomboy and I wore glasses. I cleared the elimination round. I kept moving forward easily, as subsequent rounds included quizzing, acting, and oration were not much of a challenge. Overall, it was an unforgettable and memorable event and I had to go without sitting in the audience.

Breaking the stereotypes, I was crowned Miss Personality SPM College 1996. In those days, Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi was a popular show on air. On the stage, Jassi came to life for a day. That day, a simple plain-looking girl in glasses, stole the show and the limelight. She went missing right after the contest. No one saw her again!

People talked about her, while I stood right next to them, not identifying me (My friends reading this know and would agree).
I think, after all, she was not a real person. She was a group effort. The entire class contributed to creating her, making her look the way she did. She was the sum of everyone’s effort and energy. I just played a role on the stage. It was also about- the challenge. The idea of achieving something when it seemed impossible, I strongly believe everything lies in the power of our mind.

Today as I reflect. I can see it very differently. It brings about those two major issues we all struggle with, at some point or the other in our life. First, to be chosen for who we are. We all want to be seen and acknowledged by others, more so by people whom we care about, like our coworkers, friends, and more importantly by our family. Somehow, we feel the need to prove our worth first! This belief of ‘worthiness,’ is so bloody engrained in our mind by this society. We need a ‘high’ about this sense of achievement, to believe, that we are actually worthy and deserve to be loved. Most of the time, we feel not good enough. We internalize, that we are setting goals or increasing standards for our improvement. Sadly, it’s just a cover-up for shame in not accepting ourself!

The second realization is a hard one for me that, the bruised ego is a dangerous weapon. In this context, it brought about a positive outcome. Challenges work on ego. Anger stems from ego. Ego is a false sense of identity. As I  reflect on my life, I  understand this, time and again the challenges have brought out the best in me professionally and personally. It is a different learning altogether, now, as I look back, I see my ego staring right back at me!

Undoubtedly, there was an achievement and I must give it, its due credits. First, to myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting new things that were not ‘my type’ and navigating through the challenges.

Second, to all my friends from the English department who supported me. It was their incredible effort and presence, memories of which, are so close to my heart.
Last but not the least, it feels like a tremendous achievement to break the stereotype!

Enjoy, Miley Cyrus in The Climb…. 

Hello Me, I will always be here.

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Poem, Poetry, Self Discovery
Source@google

Someone said, “We mature with damage not with age.”
There is a different (inner) devil at every stage.
Today I am inviting some of them for tea.
These frightened parts of me!
I have kept them hidden, I have denied,
Disowned and shamed them several times.
For I could not do what I was supposed to.
For I could not become what was expected of me.

These are my inner children wanting to be- free. So, today I let some of them be! (seen).

For that kid in me is sometimes three,
It demands all the attention she missed on.
She frets, and doesn’t know how to express and who to explain what is her pain?
The world is lonely and dark and mundane.
Where is everyone?
How do they all function?
What is the ‘normal’?

Who do I question? There is no one near except fear. She is expected to be quite. A “Good child”. Tired of all this, little one cries.

Sometimes, this inner child of mine,
Is thirteen. Feeling the pain of growing up and changes in adolescence.
The world is scary, strange and unsafe.
She hides behind her pride.
Lets loose the inner rebel. She formulates a survival guide. Strong face. Just a disguise. Yet a safe disguise!

Sometimes this inner child is nine. Desiring a new bicycle and a pair of running shoes. Why do people ridicule?
Why can’t I fight back? Break the norm.
Break their bones!
I will be a Don!
Dare they strike!
I will kill. I will fight…!
Some voice mimics, the dialog from the social script of ‘that mean aunt’ in every family, who is always critical, of literally everything!
“Oh my little child, but you are a girl… You will not survive. Uh, accept that it’s your plight. For those boys are big and you are just nine! Surrender! For if God wanted you to be successful you would not have been a girl’!”
My child at nine decided to hide(“the girl”) till whenever possible. Frills and frocks were discarded for rough jeans. Long curls gone just like the story ‘Maggie Cuts her Hair’. She’d defy. I am no less. I am a Tom-‘boy’! Fighting on the street. Bruised legs and feet, it did not pain. It was a matter of prestige! The scars were the pride, of my inner child.

However, these lessons are wrongly learnt it was a survival guide.
It felt safe to defy,
To be angry rebel or to hide.
For long, I let my coping mechanism be my comfort zone.
As that was what could possibly be done!
It’s  an un-learning time.
With you, I work, to reconcile.

Today in my forties, I acknowledge this pain,
My inner children, you are not shamed!
Now, I won’t let you suffer again.
I won’t deny, in me, you may confide.
For, we are the same.
Let go of these fears.
You are safe, as I am here!
For you, I will always be here!

Comfortably Numb

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Uncategorized

Many of us are small children in adult bodies. Exhausted and emotionally reactive. We are threatened at the slightest provocation or conflict. We are choking on our fears.
Pretending to be strong and in-control by hiding away those fears and insecurities that are killing us on the inside. For the fear of tarnishing our “image” that we have so carefully carved.
However, being misunderstood can be seen as an opportunity to love one’s self more and let people think what they want to!
Sometimes we develop immunity to change and self-limiting beliefs and face difficulty in confronting subconscious fears.
Society seems like a monster as it’s “should” and “must” govern us. We get identified by labels and we live in the boxes.

In trying to become all the things people want us to become, we loose ourselves.

Dissociation and numbing are the coping mechanisms one develops while growing up. “I won’t think about it, I will dodge it. Forget it!”, “I am ok”, “I can handle it”, “I am strong”. We use anger to hide the pain within. We wear different masks. We create our personas.
All these have caused more harm than we realize. Initially not getting that toy car or the barbie doll; missing the position of school monitor or captain; being left out by friends, not being invited to the party. Not getting that dream job or promotion or house, not getting married to that person, not being able to live in the country of dreams. So many things we need to feel sad about and grieve. Instead, we push it aside as “no big deal!”. We teach our children to “be strong” and “take it in your stride”!
Let’s break the boxes.
Trying to run away from suffering is running towards it. Being a hero is not about dismissing the hard feelings. It is about being brave and facing them. It takes courage to own up that grief, rejection, loss, and pain. Controlling emotions does not mean denying them. Acceptance is heroic. Grieving is an act of courage, towards not being comfortably numb to being comfortably conscious and receptive! It takes some unlearning to say “It’s okay not to be okay!” Enjoy the song by Marshmallow

One day at a time

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

December invariably makes me nostalgic. Every year. This year seemed to have halted in March and seems like “March-ember”!  However, the chilly wind, fog, and silence are the perfect setting for nostalgia to set in.
Today my thoughts are wandering to December 2018 when I jotted down my first poem after twenty-something years. It was so hard. My happiness knew no bounds. I had worked many hours to write a few lines.  Writing a few lines, in that mental state was such a difficult task. I was so delighted.

Why am I sharing this today? For two reasons.

Written in December 2018

First, I want to thank those people who stood with me at that time when I was so lost. Those who supported me in their own way. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. The inspiration I got to pick up the pen to write, in the first place in 2018, changed my life, totally. I found my voice. Thank you, my friends, for your loving and caring presence and all the encouragement.

The second reason is the journey itself. We need to reflect on the growth as well. Many times we are so critical about our own lives that we fail to pause and look back at the distance we have traveled. As psychotherapist Tory puts it, “Growth is not always how far we have come but also how far we can meet ourselves in our mess.”

These were not phrases. It was the battle cry! Looking back at the poem I can observe that even a 7-year-old could write better. Yet the journey begins with the decision to start – one step at a time, one day at a time!

Dil mange more

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

(Inspired by advertisement by Pepsi)

Yeh dil mange more, Ahha!
More sunshine.
More Rain.
More Happiness.
More Gain.
More Profits.
No Pain.
A life safe and sane.
But, life is ebb and flow.
Impulsivness, mistakes, surrenders and the let go’s.
Still we try, to be wise.
Many plans we devise,
We polish our appearance.
Make everything so significant.
We disconnect from ourselves.
We justify the delays.
We ponder and we reflect.
So we don’t get in the same mess.
What are the wounds that we hide?
Oh, what all wars we fight!
Because we keep raising the bar…
We feel never enough,
Although we are!
All the glamour we adore!
Hey Dil, why do you always,
Always want more….Anhha?

Cheers! We are all happily addicted!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized
Chemical cocktail 🤔

Cheers to life!
The rush, the excitement, the thrill, the passion, the drive, the power given by money, position, status, superiority! That game, that sport, and the winning stance… Blood rushing in the veins. We call it enjoyment, pleasure, and whatnot…
This is our life. Leading to happiness?
Welcome to the world of biochemicals in the blood. Adrenaline in the blood is responsible for all the thrill, passion, excitement, fight or flight, etc.
The research states that people who are addicted to alcohol or nicotine are not addicted to the substance but to ‘dopamine rush’. It starts the pleasure-motivation-reward cycle. It is not only in things and events but also in simple activities like scrolling on the smartphone… we are addicted to dopamine. Sometimes a “Newness” also gives a “high”. We all seek it. We shift our room’s furniture to make it look different. We renovate, renew, and change things. Looking for happiness in newness! New clothes, new phones, new car, new house, new friends, new job, a new hobby… Cheers to addiction!
It all goes unnoticed. We are not even aware. The feel-good is so essential for our existence. Many people show-off their stuff, their possessions, their knowledge, their goodness, kindness, spirituality, and righteousness; to feel good about themselves. Seeking validation from others is vital for their survival.
It is the narrative or “our story” that we keep telling ourselves. A story about who we are and what our worth is. It is all about how we want to feel good! Strangely, it is not about others but all about how we see ourselves!  Seeing oneself is a psychological term. Since in therapy, I have started to pick up the jargon. This intrigues me- how do we see ourselves! “See”? What does this mean? It is perhaps the most difficult concept that I have ever faced. I am still trying to figure it out.  It seems that it means to observe self. However, it is not that simple, especially when you have been living in autopilot mode with all the layers of social conditioning. It is killing. It is so painful. I never knew that ‘thoughts’ could be painful! It is like you are getting a heart attack and you sit with it and feel all the discomfort every second. And after a while, that voice, that is different from the narrative, starts to point out all that is in the background. Things begin to show up. Then come out the “skeletons from the closet”. Then we being to “see” ourselves. We see how little we see-through situations and how little we know ourselves. ( I discovered I was a stranger to me.)
We are all part of this system or society per se. In this journey of life, we have gathered our beliefs also know as social conditioning. Without our knowledge these become our truths. We start to identify with them. These become our parameters or checklist to judge others and ourselves erroneously! We start to define ourselves. We now blend and become a part of the same “system”. The ingrained beliefs thus limit us.

We love things, don’t we? So, should we renounce and become monks and embrace the frugal lifestyle and ‘toxic’ positivity? Should we become a minimalist…?
Self-audit. See and meet yourself and ask the right questions, for your truth may be different than mine! Honour it. As of now, cheers to Dopamine and  Adrenaline… You rule!

Cheers friends! We are high on life! Nevermind the matrix!!! (sarcasm intended!)

Enjoy the song-
Happier🌞

Will there be an answer?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting
Photo Credit: Pinterest

That window creaked. The iron bars made the rusty screeching noise as a four-year-old pushed and pulled them. It was powercut at DDA flats Keshav Puram. This corner window was her favourite hideout. Swinging there was her refugee from the world. Wondering if those rusty bars break? Her eyes were hazy with tears. Loud silence prevailed in the monotonous night. She found solace in the darkness. Pitch darkness. No scope for shadows. Even at that age, she knew that some amount of light was needed to create shadows. Shadows were scary. Shadows are always scary!

I am an alien. She usually thought. I don’t belong here. Alien? UFO’s was an intriguing topic of debate among elders. Door to the fantasy world for a child. An introduction to escapism. It was a fairytale. It was so tranquil. In a blink of an eye, she was teleported. The cool breeze blowing on her face in the chilled winter morning. Aromatic flowers in the garden. Sun shone magnificently in the sky. Clouds taking different shapes with the blowing wind. Grass moist with dew. The park had small hills. She enjoyed to roll down from them repeatedly. 

As small feet could not match the walk, her elder brother made her sit on his shoulders as they stroll in the park. It was their custom to sing songs. Beatles… “We all live in a Yellow Submarine…”, “Let it be…” Her brother would sing and those words unknowingly started to mean so much to her. Most memorable time of the day were those walks.

Nevertheless, shadows are scary. They are self-reflection. They mirror our own insecurities. It takes a great amount of courage to look at our shadows (self). Being alienated is so painful. Many times one cannot related to where he or she belongs to. Sometimes, without realising, one can live alienated to self. For the concept of self is quite complex. Nature grounds. Feeling of belonging, an identity, image of self. Music is meditation. It’s an expression.

Dysfunction sinks in the subconscious when we are children. We became what we see. All of us felt like revolutionaries at our teenage. Trying to do things our way. Trying to defy society, however, eventually, gave up to the will of our elders as we grew older. 

Today, as I sit to do this shadow or inner work. Those shadows are as scary at 44 years as they were at 4 years. I realise, I still need to be a rebel. Not outwards but inwards. Rebel to my social conditioning. Examining each thought as it rises. To discern how much of me is actually not me but what people desired me to be. It is hard work trying to break the pattern. To sincerely try, that, I don’t give my children the same dysfunction I inherited. And I hope I am not too late. 

Its the journey of unbecoming! Concluding with lyrics from Beatles song (Thank you, brother, for introducing me to soulful music.)

“And when the broken-hearted people
living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted,
There is still a chance that they will see…
There will be an answer…….. let it be!”
(Beatles-Let it be (link below))

Comforting Darkness

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized
Photo Credits:instagram account rewilding for women

Can Darkness can be attractive to light warriors? Makes me wonder is it fearlessness or is it familiarity?
Is it stepping out off comfort zone or stepping into it? Some of us need a storm to feel safe! Conflict seem familiar territory. Trouble feels home.
We don’t see things as they are we see things as we are. Perhaps, knowing your own darkness makes it easy to deal with darkness in others. Perhaps accepting yourself helps accepting others easier.
Those triggers in close interaction and all that pain help us to understand those un-loveable parts of us that shows up during the conflicts. Those might be opportunities to relate better. Growth lies in owning up those dark parts of self that are so difficult to accept. In learning to be our own friend, we learn to befriend others. So, I ponder, your darkness might be an opportunity for me to grow, while my darkness can be a trigger to your journey of self awareness. So, it is for us to see….. Where do we go now?

Girls, Blame it on Disney!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized

Girls in India are repeatedly told that their stay in parents’ houses is temporary. They don’t “belong” there. This narrative continuously plays in their mind all the time like background music in a TV show. So growing up suffering this lack of roots or anchor to hold on to, is very confusing. It is full of uncertainty.
The feeling of “belonging” somewhere is extremely important for anyone to feel safe. After all, Home is not just a place, it is a sentiment.

Let us turn to our history and mythology. Sita is worshipped and remembered for her selflessness and her sacrifices. We all know, it wasn’t fair play.
To be honest, being a feminist, I have always questioned this. Then over the time, I “conditioned myself” to silence my thoughts. One may argue that love invites sacrifice. Maybe. Till day Radha Krishan stay embodiment of eternal love. Many claim them to be twin flame. However, like Sita, Radha, too did not get her due! Worshiped?
True! Regardless, Rukmani stole the show.
Meera cried as her heart bled. In devotion, was her heavenly bliss. Longing for redemption!
Tolerating endless life threatening torture. For invisible God Krishna. Who was worshipped by all but loved by her. It was considered blasphemy. I think, more than anything else, it was her faith in Krishna’s love, that brought him into existence.
Are sacrifices an essential certificate for determining a woman’s greatness? Is it so? Social conditioning and beliefs makes it so normal to for women to force themselves to fit in the expectations of others. To forego their identities.
On the other hand in mythology there is also reference of Shakti and Durga. Worshipped as a symbol of power. Magnificent. Formidable. Fierce.
Shiva’s consort Parvati, is perhaps more nearer to an ideal. Through Ardhanareeswara, religion did depict the message of woman being equal to man. Both complimenting each other. Sadly, that is never highlighted. This epitome of equality has been underplayed by the religious leaders for centuries to control, rule and dominate women. So, Sita, more an example than Parvati who on several occasions disagreed with Shiva. An ideal feminine energy, embodying devotion and yet having her own identity.

Photo Credits : google

In contemporary time you can safely blame it on Disney! You grew up reading fairy tales…Be it Snow White, Cinderella or Rapunzel, they were all saved by charming, competent, wealthy kings. Redemption! Easy assumption. Adorable and knave. Were all these gorgeous women really hostages? Or did they let themselves be? Living in fantasy is a coping mechanism. Shortcut to escape the pain. Avoiding ownership for creating a meaningful existence.

Don’t get deceived by all these stories. There is no one showing up for your liberation. No one like that exists. Be prepared to be your own prince charming! Reclaim yourself.

Dear woman, to be or not be, is not for you to see anymore! It has always been a man’s world, and it will be until you let it be! So today, rise like a Phoenix and “be” what you want… Know your true worth. To remember who you are, you need to forget, who others told you to be. Let that love you relentlessly shower on others, be yours. Create your destiny. Be an independent, capable, confident, and powerful woman.

Be the Shakti- be invincible!

The Devil insight…

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized

“What is that you truly desire?” A twinkle in Lucifer’s deep eyes would force all to reveal their hidden desires. He closely observed them as the human struggled to get away from his clutches…

Today the overwhelm and restlessness was making him pace in the room. Alcohol seemed ineffective in drowning his anxiety. Why on earth was he thinking about emotions? Those insignificant nothings! Humans were weak for they gambled with them.
He was unable to gather what had started this chain of thoughts. It is always the voice in the head that wants to control the narrative. It seems to want all the answers.

He struggled with trying to know his own desires. Unable to distinguish between feelings and sensations. The only emotions he had ever understood were being “happy” and “unhappy” . Simple. No complexity. Why? Alexithymia, is it?

As a child, he had always managed himself well. Strong and always in control. He learned this as he was told crying and emotions were for girls. Men were brave. Brave? Or emotionless? As a young boy, he struggled to receive from his Dad an acknowledgment for recognition for being himself. His worth. Often dismissed as insignificant, not meeting those expectations his parents had from him. He struggled and gave up. His silent cries could not reach his father’s heart then and his silent sighs go unheard even now. Emotions defy time and age. Boundaries or walls? Or just perceptions? A path to cognitive disassociation.

Distant cold mess. Unforgiving his parents for letting him be what he was. He hated himself for the meaningless storm and rage he carried. A fire constantly burned within him. A Hell!

Today, unable to brush aside his overwhelm, he stood in front of the mirror and looked in his own ember eyes with that familiar twinkle… What is that you truly desire..?

His reflection echoed… “I desire to get rid of all my fears!” “Fears?” His devils reflection seemed to nudge. Lost in introspection he sighed. The reflection continued to speak in his mind…
“Fear of my own individuality, fear of my essence as a being and above all fear of being loved as I am!”

“Impossible!” Echoed another voice somewhere. Loud and clear. Drowning all the chatter.

Silence.
The darkness began to rise in the eternal night. Upsurged within him together the shame and sorrow; resentment and wild rage that could destroy humanity. He detested humans for their selfishness, greed and all the vices, however, he hated himself more for all the wrath and vengeance he carried in his heart.

But, anger is not always anger! It can be all the emotions you can’t express. Anger springing up from insecurity, betrayal, helplessness, from feeling unworthy, sad, frustrated, and anger for Alexithymia itself!

There is more good in a person but the society always points to what is not. All the emotional obsession with chaos, itself is a reconstruction of complicated trauma.

Hemp giving the same intensity of dopamine that love did. Flirtations games and addictions, the same amount of adrenaline rush. The emotional states unleashed, unmindfully!
Cognitive distraughtion. Anger, grief, shame, sadness seem to drown in liquor, all those painful experienced would have healed the so-called invincible being trying to escaping the matrix!

God smiled at his son meaningfully, “Son, remember that you have free will to abandon or to accept. Being worthy is a choice. Undoubtedly, healing is messy!”

It is not about changing the world, on which we have no control but recognizing own worth. It is noteworthy that you can take your power back by accepting all the pain and the hurt others caused you. Accept yourself, you still are worthy. Self regulate. Choose to ask this anger- where do you come from? Why am I feeling all this anger? What is that I need to focus on? What do I fear? Why, what, how ?

So now, do look in the mirror and ask what it is that I truly want to be? What all you want will surely follow when you are determined. Reset. Reclaim. Be the authentic being you are meant to be!