Tag: self-reflection

Comfortably Numb

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Uncategorized

Many of us are small children in adult bodies. Exhausted and emotionally reactive. We are threatened at the slightest provocation or conflict. We are choking on our fears.
Pretending to be strong and in-control by hiding away those fears and insecurities that are killing us on the inside. For the fear of tarnishing our “image” that we have so carefully carved.
However, being misunderstood can be seen as an opportunity to love one’s self more and let people think what they want to!
Sometimes we develop immunity to change and self-limiting beliefs and face difficulty in confronting subconscious fears.
Society seems like a monster as it’s “should” and “must” govern us. We get identified by labels and we live in the boxes.

In trying to become all the things people want us to become, we loose ourselves.

Dissociation and numbing are the coping mechanisms one develops while growing up. “I won’t think about it, I will dodge it. Forget it!”, “I am ok”, “I can handle it”, “I am strong”. We use anger to hide the pain within. We wear different masks. We create our personas.
All these have caused more harm than we realize. Initially not getting that toy car or the barbie doll; missing the position of school monitor or captain; being left out by friends, not being invited to the party. Not getting that dream job or promotion or house, not getting married to that person, not being able to live in the country of dreams. So many things we need to feel sad about and grieve. Instead, we push it aside as “no big deal!”. We teach our children to “be strong” and “take it in your stride”!
Let’s break the boxes.
Trying to run away from suffering is running towards it. Being a hero is not about dismissing the hard feelings. It is about being brave and facing them. It takes courage to own up that grief, rejection, loss, and pain. Controlling emotions does not mean denying them. Acceptance is heroic. Grieving is an act of courage, towards not being comfortably numb to being comfortably conscious and receptive! It takes some unlearning to say “It’s okay not to be okay!” Enjoy the song by Marshmallow

Will there be an answer?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting
Photo Credit: Pinterest

That window creaked. The iron bars made the rusty screeching noise as a four-year-old pushed and pulled them. It was powercut at DDA flats Keshav Puram. This corner window was her favourite hideout. Swinging there was her refugee from the world. Wondering if those rusty bars break? Her eyes were hazy with tears. Loud silence prevailed in the monotonous night. She found solace in the darkness. Pitch darkness. No scope for shadows. Even at that age, she knew that some amount of light was needed to create shadows. Shadows were scary. Shadows are always scary!

I am an alien. She usually thought. I don’t belong here. Alien? UFO’s was an intriguing topic of debate among elders. Door to the fantasy world for a child. An introduction to escapism. It was a fairytale. It was so tranquil. In a blink of an eye, she was teleported. The cool breeze blowing on her face in the chilled winter morning. Aromatic flowers in the garden. Sun shone magnificently in the sky. Clouds taking different shapes with the blowing wind. Grass moist with dew. The park had small hills. She enjoyed to roll down from them repeatedly. 

As small feet could not match the walk, her elder brother made her sit on his shoulders as they stroll in the park. It was their custom to sing songs. Beatles… “We all live in a Yellow Submarine…”, “Let it be…” Her brother would sing and those words unknowingly started to mean so much to her. Most memorable time of the day were those walks.

Nevertheless, shadows are scary. They are self-reflection. They mirror our own insecurities. It takes a great amount of courage to look at our shadows (self). Being alienated is so painful. Many times one cannot related to where he or she belongs to. Sometimes, without realising, one can live alienated to self. For the concept of self is quite complex. Nature grounds. Feeling of belonging, an identity, image of self. Music is meditation. It’s an expression.

Dysfunction sinks in the subconscious when we are children. We became what we see. All of us felt like revolutionaries at our teenage. Trying to do things our way. Trying to defy society, however, eventually, gave up to the will of our elders as we grew older. 

Today, as I sit to do this shadow or inner work. Those shadows are as scary at 44 years as they were at 4 years. I realise, I still need to be a rebel. Not outwards but inwards. Rebel to my social conditioning. Examining each thought as it rises. To discern how much of me is actually not me but what people desired me to be. It is hard work trying to break the pattern. To sincerely try, that, I don’t give my children the same dysfunction I inherited. And I hope I am not too late. 

Its the journey of unbecoming! Concluding with lyrics from Beatles song (Thank you, brother, for introducing me to soulful music.)

“And when the broken-hearted people
living in the world agree There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted,
There is still a chance that they will see…
There will be an answer…….. let it be!”
(Beatles-Let it be (link below))

Some people are catalysts!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized

I believe we meet people for a reason.
We meet people who we Need.
Certain people are Catalyst!
With them, we have a distinct connect,
They suddenly imply something intense!
Either through pushing, holding or scaffolding,
They somehow direct us. Indeed!
To our goal’s trail, they lead.
They provide us fuel to propel –
Us, on the path where we need to dwell!
They help us reflect on what we endure.
As there is nothing like forever,
So the catalyst bids a farewell!
No matter how good is our introspection,
Our self expectation is a hindrance,
For clear self-communication.
As it is conditioned by our beliefs and disbeliefs.
Everyone’s inner truth is subjective,
It’s an individual perspective.
There are no solutions in the endless discussions!
The sensory perceptions can be deceptions.
The explanation we seek is within.
It is a constant struggle to silence the maladaptive subconscious and empower the conscious.
When the conscious leads, we are connected with the answers we seek.
We keep expecting others to applaud,
When we should actually, give a pause!
Our intentions need our consideration.
“Why ?” should be our self-reflection…
Good intentions give us conviction.
We then realized we are not this body, not this mind.
The “lesson” is repeated until we comprehend.
I thank all my catalysts for making those connections…
In life, all we need is re-alignment and re-orientation!
This life’s purpose we attempt to achieve.
It is not in discussion but, in that silence,
We formulate ourselves to be the “me” we seek!