Author: Monika Dewan

Life long learner. Love to read and write. Teacher by profession. Humane. Authentic.

My apology as a parent

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Sad, Uncategorized
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created by Monika

12 July, 2020
Dear Childen

Subject: Your mother’s apology for deficit parenting.

My Dear Children,
I wish life would have been like a Sci-Fi movie, required ‘customised’ software would get download in parents brains the moment a child was born. A software; tailor-made and customised as per the needs of that unique child that was born. A software that would instruct the parent’s brains to handle the child as per his instruction manual effortlessly. And believe you me, the world would be a better place in no time!
Today research has proven that the behavioural issues, mental health issues and many unsuccessful people have childhood issues as the root cause.
In Indian society, the child is supposed to bind and cement the marriage. How ironical that a relationship that two married adults and their families can not “fix” is expected to be cemented by a small 2.5kg bundle of love who doesn’t even know who he/she was!
At 24 years, I was holding in my arms a bundle of joy… I was a mother at that time when I did not fully understand what parenting meant. Then again at 30 years. Looking back is not easy for me today.
Dear children, as I go picking up my scattered pieces I realize that the residue was piercing you. The fragments of me exist in you. With all my weakness as an immature mother, I tripped time and again. With no formal parenting education, all I could do was to experiment with my instincts to give you what I considered the best. When I became a mother I did not know that it is in this role my best and the worst comes to play. I have at times collapsed under the pressure of maintaining our existence, work and attending to your needs (physiological, emotional, mental). I have many regrets. I “could have” and “should have” are many… However today I am writing this apology for having not come up to mine and your expectations and for having not known better. However, with the new realization (acquired as a result of my facing my own mental health issues and traumas) I promise to be more mindfully present for you. Will try to rectify my parenting deficits. This life is a journey and the cycle will continue in each generation. Love grows when we let go of all the grudges and build trust and acceptance. Thank you for being my bundles of joy! May God bless you as you continue to grow into wonderful human beings.
Love
Monika

I

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Poem, Poetry, Sad, Uncategorized

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I see shadows big and thick.
They walk, dance and sometimes trip.
To me, they are featureless with no expressions.
To me, they are flat with no emotions.
To me feelings are intriguing and deceptive.
To all the chaos, I am susceptive.
I lack depth and rigidity.
I lack that intensity.
I wonder why I am shallow? Why all my feelings are hollow?
Is it my numbness or have I changed into unfeeling and biased dame?
Why I have to wonder what I feel?
Why do I need to pause and gather my thoughts?
Why I need time to recollect me and retrospect?
Why I am not spontaneous, even to my own self?
It makes me wonder, what’s the way I exist?
Am I a stranger, even to me?
How can I know, what I feel?
How can I discern my own perspective?
How can I decipher my mystery before I mingle into history?

Mute

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Poem, Poetry, Uncategorized
grayscale photography of man standing under the light
Photo by Tiziano Pedrini on Pexels.com

Expectations from you ever soaring.
Detachment is what is expected.
Comply not defy.
Life is a game.
Why is then sensitivity insane?
Why is it a weakness?
We are taught to be spectators and just stay.
To be simply convenient fillers.
Be the pawn in the game!
An insignificant nobody!
Too ordinary.
So, they attain sadist pleasure.
Reduces one to nothingness.
The society reigns.
Thus, he call it quits,
Exits the ring broken.
Mute.

Emotional Turmoil

by Monika Dewan, posted in Poetry, Sad, Uncategorized

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Emotional turmoil.
Midnight cries.
Love- a mirage.
Fading smoke.
You, Chasing a fish?
Is it a catch?
Is it hit or amiss?
Are people lucky?
Or is it Destiny?
Emotions subdued.
Feelings bruised.
Whoever wins, I lose.
Senses seduced.
Strange high.
Escape trial,
Self Denial!
Don’t you cry…!
People are dry.
False promises,
Are suffocating.
Be in control.
You are whole!
Dreams are fragments.
Imagination segments.
Exist and strive.
Soul will revive.
Take a pause.
For yourself
Applaud!

खामोशी

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Poem, Poetry, Uncategorized

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मेरी ख़ामोशी आइ पास मेरे,
कुछ बोली मुझसे,
मन की गिरहा टटोली उसने,
सतह: पे कुछ उभरी तसवीरें,
गहराइ मे झाँनका तो मिले लम्हे

कुछ गुमसुम और कुछ सहमें से

इनहें था कभी संजोया,
मोतियों की तरह,
सपनो को पिरोया,
फिर इंतज़ार किया खुशियों का,
क्यों मेरा आज
है मौहताज उन लम्हों का?

समय की फ़ितरत ही है, जैसे बेवफा़,
इन लम्हों को कुछ बहका-सा गया,
काल वक्त ने युहीं इतना मुझे हसाया,
आज यही वक्त बेवज़ह ही रुला गया।

लो कर रही हुँ मैं बीते लम्हों को आजा़द,
सुन अपनी खामोशी के संकुचित सी आवाज़,
अब लौटके जाना नहीं मुनासिब,
परछाइयों से निकलकर, नई दुनिया होगी हासिल ।

Seeking Simple Pleasures

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Poetry

images (16)Why do we call life a battle?
Why do we have to strike?
Why do we call ourselves warriors?
Who do we have to fight?
Life can be simple, beautiful yet plain,
Where we enjoy the play in sunshine and rain,
Where we can extend our hand and reach out to our friends,
Where we don’t inflict pain, in our self-defense.

Why by comparison, be a skeptic?
Why, is our reason rhetoric?
In our uniqueness, let us be free,
May you be you, please, let me be me!

Sometimes I think this fight has been planted in our heads,
To make us feel like warriors, to propel us with impetus,
Why in all this we, always believe?
Between us exist no war, neither any victory,
Here, we are all travelers,
Just seeking simple pleasures,
We all have to depart someday,
So, let us celebrate our  today!

It is between black and white, lies the life…

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Poetry

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It is between feeling the pain and healing it, we evolve.

It is between letting go and not giving up, liberation reigns.

It is between silent tears and jubilant laughter, lies the mundane.

It is between deep silence and mindless cacophony, meditates a saint.

It is between emotional dependency and solitary strength, in togetherness, we bond.

It is in between selfless surrender and unfair demands, love gets worthy.

It is in being totally accepting and nonchalantly judgemental, we mend our egos.

It is while staying quiet and yet giving expression, love grows.

It is in being introspective and being reactive, life gets interconnected.

It is between unending darkness and ever-present light, life thrives.

Pain Acclimatized

by Monika Dewan, posted in Sad, Uncategorized

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It’s yet another awakening when pain takes over a being. She was breathing pain. A voice in her head was imitating a yoga instructor saying…
Close your eyes and inhale pain, stay with your breath, let it pain. Observe the pain. Feel it in each tiny cell of your body, release the painful breath through the exhalation. Start all over again by breathing in pain!

Morsels of food were tasteless, sometimes salty and bitter when they got laced with drops of blood oozing out from somewhere inside the mouth. Every activity of the limbs reminded her of it all that had happened. She felt immense pain in standing, walking, or while lying down. All postures hurt. Existing hurt.
Sound in her head was presently saying, “Pop a pill darling and you don’t know where you are… Sleep in peace. Yes, whisper your prayers, forgive and forget. For he who sins, doesn’t know what he does… Possessed by the devil, he attends to him, not conscious of his own actions. Forgive and forget, to move on. Tomorrow is a new day. We will discover a new coping mechanism.”

Some are endless cycles of pursuit.
Craving and psychotic pleasure…
Can pain be an addiction?
It gives a high.
The rush of blood to the head and everything freezes, slow motion. Pause.
Can pain impersonate as seducing death?
Bitter and salty blood, suddenly, tastes sweet as freedom. Freedom forever. Pause and breathe again.
Let there be awakening! Catharsis! Emotional numb!

“Wear your mask, put on some lipstick on your fake smile. Yes, whisper your prayers, forgive and forget. Amnesia. Today is a new day…”

The mind can occasionally be extraordinarily powerful. Arose a phoenix from the ashes. Breaking the shackles and the chains that kept her spirit captive. Revived like that losing wrestler in the ring, with failing stamina but intense willpower.

“Pledge, my darling”, the voice continued, “You will not sacrifice yourself again! It is you who has the key to what you accept or disagree with. Construct on these ruins, a life of authenticity”.

Knock knock, who is seeking home?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized

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Is it the nomadic spirit, floating directionlessly as clouds in the misty and hazy sky, endlessly seeking a home?

Is it the child in winter cold, numb face and fingers, seeking warmth in thy embrace, seeking home?

Is it one of those memories in graveyards arising like ghost on a nomoon night, possessing a sober man to dance in madness?

Is it in home, that exists a longing, so insatiable that can make the unrequited love – insignificantly, significant?

Ps: More Indian women need to be told this when they are getting married- Remember, you can always come home.

Inspired by:
“Remember you can always come home…” Maya Angelou, Letters to my younger self.

Timeless Love

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized
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Photo by Nandini
 I loved you before the sun was shining.
 I love you before the moon took over.
 I loved you before the earth got its shape.
 I loved you before the time existed.
 I have love you beyond the lifetimes.
 I loved you in the past eons.
 I know I have loved you since eternity.
 I will continue loving you till infinity. 
 Time plays its part, our souls meet and depart.
 But love is implanted in our souls and hearts!