Flavour of Patriotism

Life keeps tossing challenges at us every day like a ping pong ball. Ping…pong… I can visualize it right now. 🙂
What has ping pong to do with challenges?

Well, today I am writing after a long time. These days usually I have to write reflection as I am going through therapy for my PTSD which is usually very heavy stuff to share.

However, today, on the Independence Day, I reflect as an Indian. Many times we want to do great things for our country. We are filled with patriotic flavour, especially on these days when we celebrate the Independence Day or Republic day or when India wins the World Cup! We as masses are swept in this wave of ecstatic patriotism flooding through everything we do. We go wishing everyone, sending messages on social media, the color of dishes, dresses, the decoration theme of the entire nation is tricolors. Sadly, the wave recedes with the same intensity with which it arose. Within a day of broadcasting the celebrations, the news surges with the usual crime, fraud, corruption, rape, and murder headlines. The wave that seemed to have immersed the entire nation in patriotic flavor dries as if it never prevailed.

So, where is the gap? Personally, I feel we need to be mindful of what we do and how we live to be a real patriot. People who do or have done so much for the country, are the people who live from an awareness of what role they have in the country.
This quote always stays in my mind, I don’t know who wrote this, I often quote it during my lectures.

“Do what you can,
Being who you are.
Be a glow-worm,
If you cannot be a star,
Be a pully,
If you cannot be a crane.
Be a wheel greaser,
If you cannot drive a train!”

It dates back to 2017. Having been bedridden for a few months due to spinal cord injury. I thought I had lost it to life. I lost my job and missed my usual routine. All I dreamt was to walk on my feet, day and night. After spells of crying and helplessness, one day I decided. I gathered all my will power and committed myself to my healing. I got acupressure treatment, yoga, and physiotherapy. My entire focus was on getting back on my feet. I was dreading a life on a wheelchair. Those were the days that changed me in and out. As soon as I was able to walk I started the walk in the park. Initially, I was giddy and could take only one or two rounds of a park. It took me six months to be able to walk as average people did. As I was going through a rough patch in my married life, I was also emotionally unstable. I started going to Sukhna lake for a walk everyday. It took me 1 hour and 25-35 minutes to walk from end to the other and back. Within 3 months my stamina increased. There was an event walk-a-thon( a walk for cause) for awareness for organ donation and as I started walking with the youngsters of college and school, in no time I was at the other end. To my amazement I was the first one to reach the end in almost 15 minutes and was awarded a certificate. I was feeling so proud of myself on my “achievement”.
So very delighted!

As I reached the other end towards the parking, I saw a man who had just one leg, doing push ups. He was wearing a Tshirt with national flag. All my pride was humbled in minutes as I saw him workout with so much difficulty. I have always been an introvert, but that day I gathered my courage to talk to this man. IMG_20200815_163534

I walked to him and introduced myself. I told him I was school teacher and asked if he could tell me what happened. He told me that he was a national Table Tennis champion and while saving a child in an accident, he lost his leg. Now, he represented India in para games, regularly bringing laurels in international table tennis events. He had been awarded a gallantry award and numerous prizes. I would always remember meeting Mr. Mukesh Kumar that day. While it humbled me, it instilled in me, a zeal to do what was in my capacity, giving my hundred percent. This reiterated to me, that living with awareness is true patriotism. Jai hind!

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My apology as a parent

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created by Monika

12 July, 2020
Dear Childen

Subject: Your mother’s apology for deficit parenting.

My Dear Children,
I wish life would have been like a Sci-Fi movie, required ‘customised’ software would get download in parents brains the moment a child was born. A software; tailor-made and customised as per the needs of that unique child that was born. A software that would instruct the parent’s brains to handle the child as per his instruction manual effortlessly. And believe you me, the world would be a better place in no time!
Today research has proven that the behavioural issues, mental health issues and many unsuccessful people have childhood issues as the root cause.
In Indian society, the child is supposed to bind and cement the marriage. How ironical that a relationship that two married adults and their families can not “fix” is expected to be cemented by a small 2.5kg bundle of love who doesn’t even know who he/she was!
At 24 years, I was holding in my arms a bundle of joy… I was a mother at that time when I did not fully understand what parenting meant. Then again at 30 years. Looking back is not easy for me today.
Dear children, as I go picking up my scattered pieces I realize that the residue was piercing you. The fragments of me exist in you. With all my weakness as an immature mother, I tripped time and again. With no formal parenting education, all I could do was to experiment with my instincts to give you what I considered the best. When I became a mother I did not know that it is in this role my best and the worst comes to play. I have at times collapsed under the pressure of maintaining our existence, work and attending to your needs (physiological, emotional, mental). I have many regrets. I “could have” and “should have” are many… However today I am writing this apology for having not come up to mine and your expectations and for having not known better. However, with the new realization (acquired as a result of my facing my own mental health issues and traumas) I promise to be more mindfully present for you. Will try to rectify my parenting deficits. This life is a journey and the cycle will continue in each generation. Love grows when we let go of all the grudges and build trust and acceptance. Thank you for being my bundles of joy! May God bless you as you continue to grow into wonderful human beings.
Love
Monika

Mute

grayscale photography of man standing under the light
Photo by Tiziano Pedrini on Pexels.com

Expectations from you ever soaring.
Detachment is what is expected.
Comply not defy.
Life is a game.
Why is then sensitivity insane?
Why is it a weakness?
We are taught to be spectators and just stay.
To be simply convenient fillers.
Be the pawn in the game!
An insignificant nobody!
Too ordinary.
So, they attain sadist pleasure.
Reduces one to nothingness.
The society reigns.
Thus, he call it quits,
Exits the ring broken.
Mute.

खामोशी

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मेरी ख़ामोशी आइ पास मेरे,
कुछ बोली मुझसे,
मन की गिरहा टटोली उसने,
सतह: पे कुछ उभरी तसवीरें,
गहराइ मे झाँनका तो मिले लम्हे

कुछ गुमसुम और कुछ सहमें से

इनहें था कभी संजोया,
मोतियों की तरह,
सपनो को पिरोया,
फिर इंतज़ार किया खुशियों का,
क्यों मेरा आज
है मौहताज उन लम्हों का?

समय की फ़ितरत ही है, जैसे बेवफा़,
इन लम्हों को कुछ बहका-सा गया,
काल वक्त ने युहीं इतना मुझे हसाया,
आज यही वक्त बेवज़ह ही रुला गया।

लो कर रही हुँ मैं बीते लम्हों को आजा़द,
सुन अपनी खामोशी के संकुचित सी आवाज़,
अब लौटके जाना नहीं मुनासिब,
परछाइयों से निकलकर, नई दुनिया होगी हासिल ।

Pain Acclimatized

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It’s yet another awakening when pain takes over a being. She was breathing pain. A voice in her head was imitating a yoga instructor saying…
Close your eyes and inhale pain, stay with your breath, let it pain. Observe the pain. Feel it in each tiny cell of your body, release the painful breath through the exhalation. Start all over again by breathing in pain!

Morsels of food were tasteless, sometimes salty and bitter when they got laced with drops of blood oozing out from somewhere inside the mouth. Every activity of the limbs reminded her of it all that had happened. She felt immense pain in standing, walking, or while lying down. All postures hurt. Existing hurt.
Sound in her head was presently saying, “Pop a pill darling and you don’t know where you are… Sleep in peace. Yes, whisper your prayers, forgive and forget. For he who sins, doesn’t know what he does… Possessed by the devil, he attends to him, not conscious of his own actions. Forgive and forget, to move on. Tomorrow is a new day. We will discover a new coping mechanism.”

Some are endless cycles of pursuit.
Craving and psychotic pleasure…
Can pain be an addiction?
It gives a high.
The rush of blood to the head and everything freezes, slow motion. Pause.
Can pain impersonate as seducing death?
Bitter and salty blood, suddenly, tastes sweet as freedom. Freedom forever. Pause and breathe again.
Let there be awakening! Catharsis! Emotional numb!

“Wear your mask, put on some lipstick on your fake smile. Yes, whisper your prayers, forgive and forget. Amnesia. Today is a new day…”

The mind can occasionally be extraordinarily powerful. Arose a phoenix from the ashes. Breaking the shackles and the chains that kept her spirit captive. Revived like that losing wrestler in the ring, with failing stamina but intense willpower.

“Pledge, my darling”, the voice continued, “You will not sacrifice yourself again! It is you who has the key to what you accept or disagree with. Construct on these ruins, a life of authenticity”.

The edge of madness…

Musing an endeavour to writing
Made on Canva by Monika

“My heart is a mess ” by Cold Play was an ear worm today. It is echoing in my ears. Non stop!
It is strange how life throws out on us, what we fear. We fear – fear!
And out there it stands. At every step. The mind is intricate and complex. Thoughts arise, fly high and sink to depth. Along with these thoughts are the heart and emotion attached. These thoughts pain, strain and depress. One minute I am happy and planning ahead. The next minute, the emotions are intense.
Clouds rise in the brain. It heavily rains. The water flows through my eyes, yet I manage to smile. There is immense pain. Oh, what is this game? Why can’t I go back in time? Why can’t I adjust my pace? Why can’t I breathe with ease? Thought like threads intertwine. They entangle and they strangle.
I wish I would get up one morning with my mind as a clean slate. A blank mind…a blank life.
What would I now create? With my heart in dumps and head in mess! It might end up in the same plight.
I fear, my fear is pushing me to the edge… Alright!

Parade – Thoughts Masquerade

My thoughts gain kinetic energy ready to blow out like the stream from the pressure cooker…..Ssshhhhh……. whistle blows!!!

And out comes all of them running in different directions. Hold on. Don’t run. I yell….You are too many for me to handle. Why do you have so much momentum? Pause. Wait. Let me catch up. Before I realise, they are all over the place. Taking different forms and shapes. The good ones become birds. They fly up in the sky, making amazing formations. They are too high for me to capture their pictures. The sad thoughts become wriggling creatures. They are the snakes.They wriggle and hide under my furniture. Waiting to get me sooner or later. Then, there are the thoughts which are new to me. They are the strangers who invaded a territory. They are armed with ammunition. They sneak carefully to avoid my attention. As I relax. They attack. Overpowering me in all this confusion.
Some thoughts are random emotions they become musical and burst into loud commotion.  They are guile. They are knave.  They tease and they threaten. They shout to deafen my senses. They acquire a form. They can again transform. They are not stable, they are mutable.  Just like human nature, they change. They are untrustable! They are masqueraders!
As I seem to notice these thoughts, they began to weaken.  Yes, as I become more aware. They loosen their hold. Finally, I am back in control!