Subject: Your mother’s apology for deficit parenting.
My Dear Children,
I wish life would have been like a Sci-Fi movie, required ‘customised’ software would get download in parents brains the moment a child was born. A software; tailor-made and customised as per the needs of that unique child that was born. A software that would instruct the parent’s brains to handle the child as per his instruction manual effortlessly. And believe you me, the world would be a better place in no time!
Today research has proven that the behavioural issues, mental health issues and many unsuccessful people have childhood issues as the root cause.
In Indian society, the child is supposed to bind and cement the marriage. How ironical that a relationship that two married adults and their families can not “fix” is expected to be cemented by a small 2.5kg bundle of love who doesn’t even know who he/she was!
At 24 years, I was holding in my arms a bundle of joy… I was a mother at that time when I did not fully understand what parenting meant. Then again at 30 years. Looking back is not easy for me today.
Dear children, as I go picking up my scattered pieces I realize that the residue was piercing you. The fragments of me exist in you. With all my weakness as an immature mother, I tripped time and again. With no formal parenting education, all I could do was to experiment with my instincts to give you what I considered the best. When I became a mother I did not know that it is in this role my best and the worst comes to play. I have at times collapsed under the pressure of maintaining our existence, work and attending to your needs (physiological, emotional, mental). I have many regrets. I “could have” and “should have” are many… However today I am writing this apology for having not come up to mine and your expectations and for having not known better. However, with the new realization (acquired as a result of my facing my own mental health issues and traumas) I promise to be more mindfully present for you. Will try to rectify my parenting deficits. This life is a journey and the cycle will continue in each generation. Love grows when we let go of all the grudges and build trust and acceptance. Thank you for being my bundles of joy! May God bless you as you continue to grow into wonderful human beings.
Love
Monika
It was 2:30 am, 31st December 2019. The year was going to end in a few hours. She tossed and turned in her bed, not able to fall asleep. It had been a very happening year. A turning point in her life. Today she was reminded of someone. A kind lady whom she had met in the hospital some twenty years ago. The most challenging time in life a woman is, childbirth. It was past midnight. She was admitted to a ward in Jaipur Golden Hospital for a C-section. It was a planned Cesarean. Doctors had suggested surgery as the baby was breech. It was life-threatening for the child to go for normal delivery. At 23 years she was quite a child herself. It was her life’s first surgery. She was very scared. Hospital and those smells had invariably made her nervous. Past midnight an argument broke between her and her husband. she lay trembling as he shouted at her. Delivery time and stress got on her nerves and she began to cry. Seeing her cry he lost it completely and began hitting her.”You know I don’t like your crying drama!” He yelled and hurled a few fits of abuse. She felt as if everything was enveloped in darkness and the world was collapsing. She simply wanted it to stop. In those minutes she wished she was dead. All she badly needed was to be a reassured that everything would be alright. All her attempts to control tears were futile. She failed to understand why she was not being treated fair. She longed for a comforting hug and love that she thought was her due right, for, she was about to deliver into the world that tiny cute baby who would be the family’s pride. He was agitated. Instead of being comforted, she was hit on her face. Shocked and angry she began to cry loudly. This led to several slaps right and left. Her face was red and bruised, but her heart was smashed and broken. Totally in pieces that pierced her soul. She hid her face in the pillow and wept. After a while, she felt the need to use the washroom. Her husband had slept on the settee near the door. The room was partitioned into two parts with a plastic opaque curtain. There was a bed on each side of the curtain. The washroom was on the other side of the curtain. As she walked to the loo. The old lady who was lying on that bed signaled her to come to her bedside. She went to her. The lady held her and hugged her and cried. The motherly affection at this time touched her immensely. She hugged her back and wept. “How will you live your life with this man?” The kind lady asked her. Some questions don’t have answers. The lady kissed her. She lovingly said, “May God give you strength”. Some old ladies feel like blessings. She seemed to be an angel giving her the comforting hug that was so badly needed. She secretly wished that the kind Aunty should not meet her parents. She might tell them about the fight and the abuse. For some reason, she didn’t want her parents to know about the regular abuse.
In the washroom she wept her heart out. Suddenly, she realized that her water bag had burst. She panicked. Going into normal labor was dangerous for the baby. She prayed. The doctors had to perform an emergency operation promptly. For some reasons, doctors had to give her oral anesthesia. The surgery lasted for almost ninety minutes and it took her another two hours to regain consciousness. The mental state she was in after the fight and the anesthesia during the surgery together had affected her brain. She had gone into shock. Her senses had numbed. Her responses became sluggish and dull. She was in a different world altogether. Everything was distant and unrelated. She would continually stare at wall and her mind was blank. Many memories were that meant so much were forgotten forever that day. Little did she know her life was changed for ever. Wit and intelligence had once been her charm. She had lost it all. Recollecting who she was, where she was, what day it was, all started to take unusually long time. This dull-headedness continued for many years that followed.
Post operation, her discomfort was heightened by visitors. Although doctors had advised bed rest for the entire day, she was compelled to pretend that she was normal. Her in-laws, who were so opposing to what all the doctors said, came to visit her. She was forced to sit and walk, smile and chat for almost three hours. The nurse, who came to check her temperature, as a routine, was shocked to see it. She quickly made her lie down and informed everyone that while the patient is in the hospital, he has to abide with doctors advice. The crying of the newborn, would often bring her attention back from the state of nothingness. As she would hold the baby in her arms she felt a strange peace and calm descended upon her for sometime.
The shock-like state lasted for years. With passing years she got overall better as she began working full time. Anxiety still triggered the same trauma-like response in her. However, looking back she sees that the journey was a tough terrain trek. She saw herself as a soul on a journey, surviving the numb heart and the broken past! Healing always took time.
She was grateful to God for everything she had been through. She was grateful to the angels she met in the human form time and again, who have taught her the significance of empathy and compassion. It were these fragments of love and kindness along with her struggles and challenges that had navigated her into her current trajectory. She understood that everything that ever happened had facilitated the movement towards growth and ascension.
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 