Tag: Happiness

The show must go on! (Memories Children’s Day 2014)

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
The show must go on !

As I was going through google notifications, I was taken in a time when I stood on the stage of Newton Hall, at SFHS, participating in a short skit to entertain students on the occasion of children’s day, 2014.
“Andher Nagari Chopat Raja” was a hilarious script written by my colleagues. I was performing as a mere umbrella carrier boy for the king. I think in the entire play, I had just one-word dialogue to deliver, which was – “bhago!”( meaning run!). However, as I had nothing to lose, no chances of error, I enjoyed every moment of the performance, mine as well as others. Children and my colleagues appreciated my performance and I was surprised that I got noticed for such a trivial role. Honestly, it was something I was doing for my own fun. I was enjoying the idea of standing on the stage and acting after so so many years. I was completely into that character, no matter how unimportant the part was.  Today, I am reminded again of that enactment. The role I am playing now is of a middle-aged woman, a mother, a teacher, etc. No matter how insignificant my place in the universe might be, the calling is to play the role well. Sometimes, we don’t appreciate the story plot or situation we are in. Sometimes, the roles seem demanding. At times, different characters and their personalities challenge us and impact us unfavorably. At times, we want to call it quits. Occasionally, there are lighter moments and happiness and then there are painful moments and grief. We miss certain roles and long for specific characters to show-up for us in a special way. Maybe, we pray for a modification in the script or a transformation in our character. Whatever be it, we need to remember, that in this life, which looks like “The Andher Nagari”, we require to be a strong persona and that we can mature by understanding our life’s experiences as lessons. We require to be like the cinematographer and continue to edit and re-edit, work and rework at our thoughts, to bring authenticity and fineness to our lives. The motive is to customize, whatever story script that has been handed to us, in a manner, that leads us to live a more fulfilling life. As we all know, on this stage of life… The show must go on!

There are no answers!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Right Questions?

Is this Attachment ?
Or trauma response?
Clarifying too much?
Or explaining too little?
Wanting to be seen?
Or wanting to disappear?
Do I share?
Do you care?
Am I too much?
Is this significant?
Do I make you happy?
Or am I never there?
Do I like the way we show up?
Or it should have been different?
Is it an expression?
Or am I seeking validation?
Oh yes, I see the wounds!
Yes, I am scared!
How do I heal them?
Will someone fix it for me?
Or is it for me to recover?
This void, has always existed.
How to fill it?
No one taught me!
Was it love? I lost it?
Or did love never exist?
And, I thought it did!
Why did I not say what was true to me?
Why did I repeat what was expected?
Why did I say less?
Why did I skew?
Why did I stayed longer?
Giving too many chances?
What did I want?
What did I do?
What did I see?
What did I not know?
Why was it not easy, to just be?
Staying for too long?
Or leaving too early?
Shaming? Blaming?
Criticizing? Praising?
Holding? Scolding?
Pursuing? Avoiding?
Escaping? Fantasizing?
Expectations? Disappointments?
Connection? Disassociation?
Who do I have to prove anything?
Whose approval am I seeking?
Who taught me that only difficult roads led to beautiful places?
Maybe, for me, magnificence might exist in simple settings!
Who are we trying to prove our worthiness?
Could light be appreciated, if darkness didn’t exist?
Will we ever stop living in the boxes?
When will we discard the “what if’s”?
Pause. Reflect.
Is this a mental imagery?
Is this making sense?
Or is this a labyrinth of quicksand?
Where one thought is giving way to another?
For once, I know,
There are no answers!

Comfortably Numb

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Uncategorized

Many of us are small children in adult bodies. Exhausted and emotionally reactive. We are threatened at the slightest provocation or conflict. We are choking on our fears.
Pretending to be strong and in-control by hiding away those fears and insecurities that are killing us on the inside. For the fear of tarnishing our “image” that we have so carefully carved.
However, being misunderstood can be seen as an opportunity to love one’s self more and let people think what they want to!
Sometimes we develop immunity to change and self-limiting beliefs and face difficulty in confronting subconscious fears.
Society seems like a monster as it’s “should” and “must” govern us. We get identified by labels and we live in the boxes.

In trying to become all the things people want us to become, we loose ourselves.

Dissociation and numbing are the coping mechanisms one develops while growing up. “I won’t think about it, I will dodge it. Forget it!”, “I am ok”, “I can handle it”, “I am strong”. We use anger to hide the pain within. We wear different masks. We create our personas.
All these have caused more harm than we realize. Initially not getting that toy car or the barbie doll; missing the position of school monitor or captain; being left out by friends, not being invited to the party. Not getting that dream job or promotion or house, not getting married to that person, not being able to live in the country of dreams. So many things we need to feel sad about and grieve. Instead, we push it aside as “no big deal!”. We teach our children to “be strong” and “take it in your stride”!
Let’s break the boxes.
Trying to run away from suffering is running towards it. Being a hero is not about dismissing the hard feelings. It is about being brave and facing them. It takes courage to own up that grief, rejection, loss, and pain. Controlling emotions does not mean denying them. Acceptance is heroic. Grieving is an act of courage, towards not being comfortably numb to being comfortably conscious and receptive! It takes some unlearning to say “It’s okay not to be okay!” Enjoy the song by Marshmallow

Dil mange more

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

(Inspired by advertisement by Pepsi)

Yeh dil mange more, Ahha!
More sunshine.
More Rain.
More Happiness.
More Gain.
More Profits.
No Pain.
A life safe and sane.
But, life is ebb and flow.
Impulsivness, mistakes, surrenders and the let go’s.
Still we try, to be wise.
Many plans we devise,
We polish our appearance.
Make everything so significant.
We disconnect from ourselves.
We justify the delays.
We ponder and we reflect.
So we don’t get in the same mess.
What are the wounds that we hide?
Oh, what all wars we fight!
Because we keep raising the bar…
We feel never enough,
Although we are!
All the glamour we adore!
Hey Dil, why do you always,
Always want more….Anhha?

Cheers! We are all happily addicted!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized
Chemical cocktail 🤔

Cheers to life!
The rush, the excitement, the thrill, the passion, the drive, the power given by money, position, status, superiority! That game, that sport, and the winning stance… Blood rushing in the veins. We call it enjoyment, pleasure, and whatnot…
This is our life. Leading to happiness?
Welcome to the world of biochemicals in the blood. Adrenaline in the blood is responsible for all the thrill, passion, excitement, fight or flight, etc.
The research states that people who are addicted to alcohol or nicotine are not addicted to the substance but to ‘dopamine rush’. It starts the pleasure-motivation-reward cycle. It is not only in things and events but also in simple activities like scrolling on the smartphone… we are addicted to dopamine. Sometimes a “Newness” also gives a “high”. We all seek it. We shift our room’s furniture to make it look different. We renovate, renew, and change things. Looking for happiness in newness! New clothes, new phones, new car, new house, new friends, new job, a new hobby… Cheers to addiction!
It all goes unnoticed. We are not even aware. The feel-good is so essential for our existence. Many people show-off their stuff, their possessions, their knowledge, their goodness, kindness, spirituality, and righteousness; to feel good about themselves. Seeking validation from others is vital for their survival.
It is the narrative or “our story” that we keep telling ourselves. A story about who we are and what our worth is. It is all about how we want to feel good! Strangely, it is not about others but all about how we see ourselves!  Seeing oneself is a psychological term. Since in therapy, I have started to pick up the jargon. This intrigues me- how do we see ourselves! “See”? What does this mean? It is perhaps the most difficult concept that I have ever faced. I am still trying to figure it out.  It seems that it means to observe self. However, it is not that simple, especially when you have been living in autopilot mode with all the layers of social conditioning. It is killing. It is so painful. I never knew that ‘thoughts’ could be painful! It is like you are getting a heart attack and you sit with it and feel all the discomfort every second. And after a while, that voice, that is different from the narrative, starts to point out all that is in the background. Things begin to show up. Then come out the “skeletons from the closet”. Then we being to “see” ourselves. We see how little we see-through situations and how little we know ourselves. ( I discovered I was a stranger to me.)
We are all part of this system or society per se. In this journey of life, we have gathered our beliefs also know as social conditioning. Without our knowledge these become our truths. We start to identify with them. These become our parameters or checklist to judge others and ourselves erroneously! We start to define ourselves. We now blend and become a part of the same “system”. The ingrained beliefs thus limit us.

We love things, don’t we? So, should we renounce and become monks and embrace the frugal lifestyle and ‘toxic’ positivity? Should we become a minimalist…?
Self-audit. See and meet yourself and ask the right questions, for your truth may be different than mine! Honour it. As of now, cheers to Dopamine and  Adrenaline… You rule!

Cheers friends! We are high on life! Nevermind the matrix!!! (sarcasm intended!)

Enjoy the song-
Happier🌞

Seeking Simple Pleasures

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Poetry

images (16)Why do we call life a battle?
Why do we have to strike?
Why do we call ourselves warriors?
Who do we have to fight?
Life can be simple, beautiful yet plain,
Where we enjoy the play in sunshine and rain,
Where we can extend our hand and reach out to our friends,
Where we don’t inflict pain, in our self-defense.

Why by comparison, be a skeptic?
Why, is our reason rhetoric?
In our uniqueness, let us be free,
May you be you, please, let me be me!

Sometimes I think this fight has been planted in our heads,
To make us feel like warriors, to propel us with impetus,
Why in all this we, always believe?
Between us exist no war, neither any victory,
Here, we are all travelers,
Just seeking simple pleasures,
We all have to depart someday,
So, let us celebrate our  today!