Tag: Pain

चेहरे पे चहेर हैं

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Picture of art @FirstSteps courtesy Ms Gurpreet

दो बातें, दो राहें हैं,
हर बात के दो पहलु,
हर चहरे पे पड़े नकाब,
कहीं दबे राज़,कहीं गहरे घाव!

चुने कौनसी राह? क्या है सही?
अर्जुन भी था खड़ा वहीं,
जहां मेरे कदम आके ठहरे हैं,
चेहरों पे चहेरे हैं,
यह दर्द गहरे हैं !

ज़मीर मर गया,
खून पानी हुआ,
चले गए जो अपने थे,
दबे जो यहां, गुनाह गहरे हैं।

करोड़ों भी यहीं छूट जाते हैं,
यमराज यूं बुलाते हैं,
मसीहा नही लेता रिश्वतें,
उसके हैं निष्पक्ष फैसले,

तेरे ज़मीर पे है दाग़,
मेरे आंसुओं का होगा हिसाब,
होंगे मेरे आहों के,
तुझपर वार गहरे!
देख लिए हैं मैंने अब,
जो तेरे चेहरे पे चहेर हैं!
तेरे चेहरे पे जो चहेर हैं!

If walls could talk

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

I would have got all my answers
Only if your walls could talk.
My thoughts, my heart, I had shared,
What all I loved and what I feared,
Those parts I had let out,
With you my friend I could connect,
In those moments I wondered,
How fortunate I had got!
Then came crashing revelations,
Nothing ever is permanent,
Living in the head takes us nowhere,
Those nasty inner wars I fought.
Recovery from people takes a toll.
When to let go? When to hold on?
I would have got all my answers,
Only if your walls could talk!
I wish these walls could talk!

Bland

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

The colours of the rainbow are faded,
The leaves are pale green.
Life seemed to snail crawl.
The wind is still, stuck on the trees.
Someone, please set it free.
For I want to breathe again.
Thunder bring me the rain.
Slowly, drench my soul,
Wash away my pain,
Thirst for knowledge, grows.
Lost consciousness, regained?
Let peace dwells, in this moment.
Within, I dive deep,
May I rise, afloat,
Why is life bland, today?
Introspects my gypsy soul!

खुदा मिला दिया

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Picture credits: unknown

जिस रोज़ मैने गिले-शिकवों को मिटा दिया,
उस दर्द के मैं कायल,
जिसने खुदा मिला दिया ।
डूंडती रही जहां में, हर दर पर, हर दरगा में,
इक झटके में उसकी रहमत ने,
मुझमें, दीदार करा दिया।
उस दर्द के मैं कायल,
जिसने खुदा मिला दिया ।

सारे ज़रिए छूटे, सारे आडंबर टूटे,
मन के भावों में सिमटे गए,
जीवन के फ़लसफ़े ।
दिखते हैं रास्ते तेरी ही रहमत से,
तूने इस जीवन को मुकमल बना दिया।
उस दर्द के मैं कायल, जिसने खुदा मिला दिया ।

Oh Hell! Stuck on a Hamster’s wheel?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

Hell is not a place. It exists as a state of mind. Where the senses appear to collapse under the intense sensory overload. Hell can feel like an eternity. It is a living death. Suffering or pain afflicts in all possible forms. Pain could either be physical or psychological or both. Pain is a protective biological process to keep a person safe. It creates neurotransmitters in the brain for future reference. The paradox is, that pain, is not a conscious form of energy. It does not know if the response to it is for the better or not. Our unconscious brain has a characteristic, that, it gets attached to repetition. People can get addicted to pain, as it seems a familiar place to be. Trapped in a painful situation, people are unable to step down the hamster’s wheel. They keep repeating the cycle of pain. The situations or people who trigger pain may be varied, at different phases of life. However, the outcome is the same pain. When a person lives this way, he is experiencing helplessness and feels trapped in hell. It takes a tremendous amount of work to break the cycle. Occasionally a person can identify, some kind of pattern in the mistakes he repeatedly makes. As a result, guilt and shame give rise to much mental and emotional suffering. His brain gets signals to be hyper-vigilant or over-cautious. This may push him into a state of inactivity or numbness. The fear of making the same mistakes prevents him from taking control of his life. Unable to take accountability for his actions, further leads to the feeling of being trapped in hell. New neurotransmitters can only be established when we do new things.  When we walk the unknown path or identify and change our patterns. Even when we are mindful, we might still somehow end up making the same mistakes. We might feel, incapable of getting down the hamster’s wheel. It may seem as if we are going round in loops. However, it is significant to understand that when we are conscious of our inner realities, the path is not a circle anymore. The trajectory becomes a spiral. Multidimensional. When we visit similar situations and similar mistakes, with more understanding and compassion it leads to our growth and recovery.  The journey gets transformed into a healing spiral where we gain more wisdom to neutralize our reactivity towards suffering. This learning leads to our emancipation from suffering. Acknowledging the function that pain plays can guide us to a better understanding of our defense mechanisms. The key to growth and change lies in its acceptance and not in avoidance. So, with self-awareness, we can reconstruct a favorable life with amazing outcomes. We can step down the hamster’s wheel leading to liberation from our hell!

Eclipse

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Picture credits…

Moon has a dark side.
Sun gets eclipsed.
Life has blind spots.
Sea has Cliffs.
Hidden from eyes-
Some drawings,
Still cast a spell.
Some eyes-
See what is behind
The veil.
The walls are meaningless,
When the thoughts connect in resonance.
Distance is nonexistent,
When vibes coincide.
I see the same moon,
That twinkles in your eye.
I hear your silent words in my ear,
As if, you are here, so near.
Some impressions are indelible.
Some romantics are incurable.
Some stars are our guides,
Regardless, why do they hide!

रिश्तों का ताना- बाना – Ebb and flow of relationships!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Painting credits CT Nelson source Pinterest

रिश्तों का ताना बाना, Ebb and flow of relationships…
तेरा मुझसे लड़ना, मेरा तुझे मनाना, rising beyond ego clashes.
तेरा मेरे संग बैठना, मुस्कुराना, like blissful ecstasy.
रिश्तों का यूं बन जाना, our destiny.

धागे ये कच्चे हैं,
यूं उलझ गए ऐसे ही,
न मुझे खबर लगी,
न तुम समझे सही!
टूट जाते हैं जो धागे कच्चे,
गांठें पड़े, न जुड़े कभी भी,
दर्द के दरिया में,
रोज़ गोते खा रही हैं जिंदगी

इस कदर छा गया दिल में सन्नअटा, silence perpetually.
अब न मिलोगे कभी, acceptance eventually.
अब इस टूटे आइने में दिखे है, harsh reality.
कुछ का होता है यही नसीब, inevitably,.
रिश्तों का ताना-बाना, Ebb and flow of relationships!

My apology as a parent

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Sad, Uncategorized

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created by Monika

12 July, 2020
Dear Childen

Subject: Your mother’s apology for deficit parenting.

My Dear Children,
I wish life would have been like a Sci-Fi movie, required ‘customised’ software would get download in parents brains the moment a child was born. A software; tailor-made and customised as per the needs of that unique child that was born. A software that would instruct the parent’s brains to handle the child as per his instruction manual effortlessly. And believe you me, the world would be a better place in no time!
Today research has proven that the behavioural issues, mental health issues and many unsuccessful people have childhood issues as the root cause.
In Indian society, the child is supposed to bind and cement the marriage. How ironical that a relationship that two married adults and their families can not “fix” is expected to be cemented by a small 2.5kg bundle of love who doesn’t even know who he/she was!
At 24 years, I was holding in my arms a bundle of joy… I was a mother at that time when I did not fully understand what parenting meant. Then again at 30 years. Looking back is not easy for me today.
Dear children, as I go picking up my scattered pieces I realize that the residue was piercing you. The fragments of me exist in you. With all my weakness as an immature mother, I tripped time and again. With no formal parenting education, all I could do was to experiment with my instincts to give you what I considered the best. When I became a mother I did not know that it is in this role my best and the worst comes to play. I have at times collapsed under the pressure of maintaining our existence, work and attending to your needs (physiological, emotional, mental). I have many regrets. I “could have” and “should have” are many… However today I am writing this apology for having not come up to mine and your expectations and for having not known better. However, with the new realization (acquired as a result of my facing my own mental health issues and traumas) I promise to be more mindfully present for you. Will try to rectify my parenting deficits. This life is a journey and the cycle will continue in each generation. Love grows when we let go of all the grudges and build trust and acceptance. Thank you for being my bundles of joy! May God bless you as you continue to grow into wonderful human beings.
Love
Monika

Pain Acclimatized

by Monika Dewan, posted in Sad, Uncategorized

IMG_20200515_163742

It’s yet another awakening when pain takes over a being. She was breathing pain. A voice in her head was imitating a yoga instructor saying…
Close your eyes and inhale pain, stay with your breath, let it pain. Observe the pain. Feel it in each tiny cell of your body, release the painful breath through the exhalation. Start all over again by breathing in pain!

Morsels of food were tasteless, sometimes salty and bitter when they got laced with drops of blood oozing out from somewhere inside the mouth. Every activity of the limbs reminded her of it all that had happened. She felt immense pain in standing, walking, or while lying down. All postures hurt. Existing hurt.
Sound in her head was presently saying, “Pop a pill darling and you don’t know where you are… Sleep in peace. Yes, whisper your prayers, forgive and forget. For he who sins, doesn’t know what he does… Possessed by the devil, he attends to him, not conscious of his own actions. Forgive and forget, to move on. Tomorrow is a new day. We will discover a new coping mechanism.”

Some are endless cycles of pursuit.
Craving and psychotic pleasure…
Can pain be an addiction?
It gives a high.
The rush of blood to the head and everything freezes, slow motion. Pause.
Can pain impersonate as seducing death?
Bitter and salty blood, suddenly, tastes sweet as freedom. Freedom forever. Pause and breathe again.
Let there be awakening! Catharsis! Emotional numb!

“Wear your mask, put on some lipstick on your fake smile. Yes, whisper your prayers, forgive and forget. Amnesia. Today is a new day…”

The mind can occasionally be extraordinarily powerful. Arose a phoenix from the ashes. Breaking the shackles and the chains that kept her spirit captive. Revived like that losing wrestler in the ring, with failing stamina but intense willpower.

“Pledge, my darling”, the voice continued, “You will not sacrifice yourself again! It is you who has the key to what you accept or disagree with. Construct on these ruins, a life of authenticity”.

Adversity

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized 
Watching yourself grow is something I look forward to. 
I have been through dumps and valleys, through sadness and tiredness. I have been miserable for days together,  
For months I have been directionless. 
There have been nights I got up at 2:00 am crying for no reason. 
It felt as if my heart was tearing into pieces. 
The heaviness was unbearable. All I yearned was for death.  
I cried and prayed for an end to this unendurable pain. 
It seemed I was stuck in a lonely moor in quicksand. 
As if every minute was taking me closer to annihilation. 
Time was poignantly slow. There was an endless wait. 
I waited and waited. I waited, for an eternity, for "no one".  
And to my rescue, no one came! 
There, I stood in my life, directionless! 
Yes, God was always there, though, I felt he was a mystery. 
Yet, he was there, protecting me and guiding me. 
At times, breaking me and my believes. 
Restructuring my thoughts and my social conditioning. 
My perspectives towards matters changed.  Rather than remaining judgmental, 
I became exceedingly accepting. 
Yes, Adversity, shaped me and transformed me into a more authentic "me".