The colours of the rainbow are faded,
The leaves are pale green.
Life seemed to snail crawl.
The wind is still, stuck on the trees.
Someone, please set it free.
For I want to breathe again.
Thunder bring me the rain.
Slowly, drench my soul,
Wash away my pain,
Thirst for knowledge, grows.
Lost consciousness, regained?
Let peace dwells, in this moment.
Within, I dive deep,
May I rise, afloat,
Why is life bland, today?
Introspects my gypsy soul!
There is so much to learn about one’s own self. We keep making these mistakes of thinking we can bring about change in others. Even as a teacher or parent I can simply model a behaviour. The capacity in others to observe and imbibe is beyond my domain. The ideas as to how “life should be” are all crap. Life is a catalyst for its own evolution. We simply need to observe, reflect and absorb. All the awakening, spirituality, and religions (in uncorrupted form) are about a man getting closer to his inner self. Awareness is the key to our path. What we experience is based on our perception. And in turn, experiences create our perceptions. If we are disconnected from ourselves our perceptions would be based on our societal and cultural beliefs. This results in experiences that are detrimental to our growth. However, extreme experiences that shake us – change us, as it is our perception that changes. That is why, people going through pain, heartbreak, suffering change. Let’s all learn to be kind. Life goes an upgrade when our mind, our perceptions and our thoughts go through an upgrade. We start to have correctional experiences that provide us safety and validations we need. As our perceptions begin to form based on our own internal values, we begin to manifest a life of our choice. This happens as we become an upgraded version of ourselves.
An incredible and enjoyable journey in life is the one, which we embark on as travelers and not as tourists. When we don’t have a set path. When there is no road map to guide. We just go ahead, a little unsure, a little uncertain as to what the future awaits. Not knowing what landscapes we would discover. Navigating slowly. Experiencing each moment. Embracing what it brings – the thrills, the disappointments, the joys, and the sorrows, as they appear. Soaking in the experience. These bittersweet adventures leading to our mental, emotional and spiritual growth.
However, our conditioning is such that, we attach meanings to everything around us. Everything “should” make sense for us to feel safe. If it doesn’t for some reason, we force our brain to give some connotation to it. If still, we can’t, then we become anxious and restless. Our mind is in continuous conversation with us. We live with constant chatter in our heads, day in and day out. The issue here is, that, we observe things through the lens of society. We infer meaning based on whatever mental programming we acquire while growing up. We identify so much with our mind, that we can not recognize this dysfunction. It requires us to get detached to make sense of it. Like we do with others, we need to give ourselves some space to unwind too. This means, we must learn to sit in stillness and just be. Sometimes, the inaction is the most rightful action! To let peace and calm flow, may mean, spending time alone. Especially to quiet the mental noise. However, being still can be scary for people who keep jumping from one thing to another and one activity to another, as a coping mechanism. Always wanting to stay busy to distract the mind from whatever is troubling us, is numbing. So, stillness can be tough. Staying calm and/or sitting in silence, brings one closer to one’s self. Similar to Vipassana Meditation, which is done by keeping total silence for days. Although it looks simple, many people leave it halfway, unable to complete ten days of the retreat.
So let us get curious. Why is this silence so difficult? What does staying silent bring about in us? What is that we don’t want to accept? Why does restlessness set in? Why is stillness discomforting and unnerving?
We may prefer to label this silence as meditation or mindfulness or awareness. Regardless, silence can wake us up inside. It is in this silence we meet – ourselves and others at a deeper level. We are interconnected in solitude. Observe this silence in nature, in life, between the events, at the beginning and towards the end of the day. It is transformational. Focus on the breath. Experience the internal calm. Silence draws our attention towards this very moment of our existence. It is in “this eternal now”, we can significantly and blissfully live!
Someone said, “We mature with damage not with age.”
There is a different (inner) devil at every stage.
Today I am inviting some of them for tea.
These frightened parts of me!
I have kept them hidden, I have denied,
Disowned and shamed them several times.
For I could not do what I was supposed to.
For I could not become what was expected of me.
These are my inner children wanting to be- free. So, today I let some of them be! (seen).
For that kid in me is sometimes three,
It demands all the attention she missed on.
She frets, and doesn’t know how to express and who to explain what is her pain?
The world is lonely and dark and mundane.
Where is everyone?
How do they all function?
What is the ‘normal’?
Who do I question? There is no one near except fear. She is expected to be quite. A “Good child”. Tired of all this, little one cries.
Sometimes, this inner child of mine,
Is thirteen. Feeling the pain of growing up and changes in adolescence.
The world is scary, strange and unsafe.
She hides behind her pride.
Lets loose the inner rebel. She formulates a survival guide. Strong face. Just a disguise. Yet a safe disguise!
Sometimes this inner child is nine. Desiring a new bicycle and a pair of running shoes. Why do people ridicule?
Why can’t I fight back? Break the norm.
Break their bones!
I will be a Don!
Dare they strike!
I will kill. I will fight…!
Some voice mimics, the dialog from the social script of ‘that mean aunt’ in every family, who is always critical, of literally everything!
“Oh my little child, but you are a girl… You will not survive. Uh, accept that it’s your plight. For those boys are big and you are just nine! Surrender! For if God wanted you to be successful you would not have been a girl’!”
My child at nine decided to hide(“the girl”) till whenever possible. Frills and frocks were discarded for rough jeans. Long curls gone just like the story ‘Maggie Cuts her Hair’. She’d defy. I am no less. I am a Tom-‘boy’! Fighting on the street. Bruised legs and feet, it did not pain. It was a matter of prestige! The scars were the pride, of my inner child.
However, these lessons are wrongly learnt it was a survival guide.
It felt safe to defy,
To be angry rebel or to hide.
For long, I let my coping mechanism be my comfort zone.
As that was what could possibly be done!
It’s an un-learning time.
With you, I work, to reconcile.
Today in my forties, I acknowledge this pain,
My inner children, you are not shamed!
Now, I won’t let you suffer again.
I won’t deny, in me, you may confide.
For, we are the same.
Let go of these fears.
You are safe, as I am here!
For you, I will always be here!
December invariably makes me nostalgic. Every year. This year seemed to have halted in March and seems like “March-ember”! However, the chilly wind, fog, and silence are the perfect setting for nostalgia to set in.
Today my thoughts are wandering to December 2018 when I jotted down my first poem after twenty-something years. It was so hard. My happiness knew no bounds. I had worked many hours to write a few lines. Writing a few lines, in that mental state was such a difficult task. I was so delighted.
Why am I sharing this today? For two reasons.
First, I want to thank those people who stood with me at that time when I was so lost. Those who supported me in their own way. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. The inspiration I got to pick up the pen to write, in the first place in 2018, changed my life, totally. I found my voice. Thank you, my friends, for your loving and caring presence and all the encouragement.
The second reason is the journey itself. We need to reflect on the growth as well. Many times we are so critical about our own lives that we fail to pause and look back at the distance we have traveled. As psychotherapist Tory puts it, “Growth is not always how far we have come but also how far we can meet ourselves in our mess.”
These were not phrases. It was the battle cry! Looking back at the poem I can observe that even a 7-year-old could write better. Yet the journey begins with the decision to start – one step at a time, one day at a time!
It is between feeling the pain and healing it, we evolve.
It is between letting go and not giving up, liberation reigns.
It is between silent tears and jubilant laughter, lies the mundane.
It is between deep silence and mindless cacophony, meditates a saint.
It is between emotional dependency and solitary strength, in togetherness, we bond.
It is in between selfless surrender and unfair demands, love gets worthy.
It is in being totally accepting and nonchalantly judgemental, we mend our egos.
It is while staying quiet and yet giving expression, love grows.
It is in being introspective and being reactive, life gets interconnected.
It is between unending darkness and ever-present light, life thrives.
Watching yourself grow is something I look forward to.
I have been through dumps and valleys, through sadness and tiredness. I have been miserable for days together,
For months I have been directionless.
There have been nights I got up at 2:00 am crying for no reason.
It felt as if my heart was tearing into pieces.
The heaviness was unbearable. All I yearned was for death.
I cried and prayed for an end to this unendurable pain.
It seemed I was stuck in a lonely moor in quicksand.
As if every minute was taking me closer to annihilation.
Time was poignantly slow. There was an endless wait.
I waited and waited. I waited, for an eternity, for "no one".
And to my rescue, no one came!
There, I stood in my life, directionless!
Yes, God was always there, though, I felt he was a mystery.
Yet, he was there, protecting me and guiding me.
At times, breaking me and my believes.
Restructuring my thoughts and my social conditioning.
My perspectives towards matters changed. Rather than remaining judgmental,
I became exceedingly accepting.
Yes, Adversity, shaped me and transformed me into a more authentic "me".
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 