There is so much to learn about one’s own self. We keep making these mistakes of thinking we can bring about change in others. Even as a teacher or parent I can simply model a behaviour. The capacity in others to observe and imbibe is beyond my domain. The ideas as to how “life should be” are all crap. Life is a catalyst for its own evolution. We simply need to observe, reflect and absorb. All the awakening, spirituality, and religions (in uncorrupted form) are about a man getting closer to his inner self. Awareness is the key to our path. What we experience is based on our perception. And in turn, experiences create our perceptions. If we are disconnected from ourselves our perceptions would be based on our societal and cultural beliefs. This results in experiences that are detrimental to our growth. However, extreme experiences that shake us – change us, as it is our perception that changes. That is why, people going through pain, heartbreak, suffering change. Let’s all learn to be kind. Life goes an upgrade when our mind, our perceptions and our thoughts go through an upgrade. We start to have correctional experiences that provide us safety and validations we need. As our perceptions begin to form based on our own internal values, we begin to manifest a life of our choice. This happens as we become an upgraded version of ourselves.
Hell is not a place. It exists as a state of mind. Where the senses appear to collapse under the intense sensory overload. Hell can feel like an eternity. It is a living death. Suffering or pain afflicts in all possible forms. Pain could either be physical or psychological or both. Pain is a protective biological process to keep a person safe. It creates neurotransmitters in the brain for future reference. The paradox is, that pain, is not a conscious form of energy. It does not know if the response to it is for the better or not. Our unconscious brain has a characteristic, that, it gets attached to repetition. People can get addicted to pain, as it seems a familiar place to be. Trapped in a painful situation, people are unable to step down the hamster’s wheel. They keep repeating the cycle of pain. The situations or people who trigger pain may be varied, at different phases of life. However, the outcome is the same pain. When a person lives this way, he is experiencing helplessness and feels trapped in hell. It takes a tremendous amount of work to break the cycle. Occasionally a person can identify, some kind of pattern in the mistakes he repeatedly makes. As a result, guilt and shame give rise to much mental and emotional suffering. His brain gets signals to be hyper-vigilant or over-cautious. This may push him into a state of inactivity or numbness. The fear of making the same mistakes prevents him from taking control of his life. Unable to take accountability for his actions, further leads to the feeling of being trapped in hell. New neurotransmitters can only be established when we do new things. When we walk the unknown path or identify and change our patterns. Even when we are mindful, we might still somehow end up making the same mistakes. We might feel, incapable of getting down the hamster’s wheel. It may seem as if we are going round in loops. However, it is significant to understand that when we are conscious of our inner realities, the path is not a circle anymore. The trajectory becomes a spiral. Multidimensional. When we visit similar situations and similar mistakes, with more understanding and compassion it leads to our growth and recovery. The journey gets transformed into a healing spiral where we gain more wisdom to neutralize our reactivity towards suffering. This learning leads to our emancipation from suffering. Acknowledging the function that pain plays can guide us to a better understanding of our defense mechanisms. The key to growth and change lies in its acceptance and not in avoidance. So, with self-awareness, we can reconstruct a favorable life with amazing outcomes. We can step down the hamster’s wheel leading to liberation from our hell!
Personality Contest was an important event at the cultural fest at SPM College, Delhi. I stood there in the corridor accompanying my three beautiful friends, least interested in that event. Make-up and all… uh, not my cup of tea! It was our first year in college. In those days, ‘college’ was not just an institution. It was a platform to create self-identify. In the absence of social media, it was ‘the community’. Being ‘cool’, ‘being popular’, and being ‘sought after’ were important validations, just as career goals (if not more!). I had always been an ambivert (partly extrovert, partly introvert), beside being a Tomboy. Quick to make friends and known for playing pranks on people. I loved to believe, I was not a delicate darling, but a strong, rough, and tough girl! The senior wrote the names of my friends on the paper and flapped the shabby paper at me with a look of contempt. “You can’t apply! You are not selected.” I never wanted to participate in the first place! It was not “my type” of an event. However, her way of speaking put me off. Anger took over. Now through therapy, I understand better what I did not know then, that, ‘anger’ can be a blanket emotion. So with all the hurt in my heart and ‘feeling not good enough’ and ugly, I walked towards doing what I had never done before. Quite impulsively, I approached the lecturer concerned with my request. “Ma’am, although this event is not my kind, and I understand that I will be eliminated in the first round itself, kindly give me a chance to participate.” She was quick to give her consent and my name was added along with my friends.
Chemicals in the brain… I could feel the rush! I didn’t realize that I had got myself in an uncomfortable zone. It was a new journey as I started to prepare for my participation with only three days at hand. I did not have any pair of heels. So I went to buy them. Much to my embarrassment, when I tried to walk, I fell. I hated it. I found it hard to practice for the ramp walk. I kept encouraging myself by saying, “It is for one round only, then I will be in the audience with my class, cheering my friends. Hooting and enjoying.” The day came and I literally wrapped my saree (as it was far from being draped!) and hair tied with a clip, rushed to the college. In our English department classroom, the whole bunch of girls took over. My saree was draped beautifully. My hair was done in a nice top-notch bun. Personal Make-up boxes were there and I don’t even know what all went on my face. Honestly, I did not even look at myself in the mirror. I was somewhere else all the time. I was physically present but mentally away in my own world. There was this constant battle going on in my mind. My ego was bruised. No one knew about it. It had me in flames. I didn’t care a two penny, about the contest. It was all about being on the stage. Since I did not have time to buy contact lenses so, I had decided that I would remove my glasses in the first round which was the ramp walk and introduction, then I had plans to enjoy among the audience. On the stage, red curtains were drawn. The carpets were also red. Oh my God…I couldn’t see without my glasses. There was now a threat of tripping over the carpet in my new heels. (I had to mentally focus to keep my weight backward when I walked). To add to that stress now, there was a danger of me literally walking off the stage. The red color was a big distraction. I could not see where the stage ended! I hated myself for putting me there! However, once I was there on the stage, I felt home. Something took me over. I was comfortable and at ease. Surprisingly, I started to enjoy myself. During my introduction, I honestly told the judges and the audience that I had been a tomboy and I wore glasses. I cleared the elimination round. I kept moving forward easily, as subsequent rounds included quizzing, acting, and oration were not much of a challenge. Overall, it was an unforgettable and memorable event and I had to go without sitting in the audience.
Breaking the stereotypes, I was crowned Miss Personality SPM College 1996. In those days, Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi was a popular show on air. On the stage, Jassi came to life for a day. That day, a simple plain-looking girl in glasses, stole the show and the limelight. She went missing right after the contest. No one saw her again!
People talked about her, while I stood right next to them, not identifying me (My friends reading this know and would agree). I think, after all, she was not a real person. She was a group effort. The entire class contributed to creating her, making her look the way she did. She was the sum of everyone’s effort and energy. I just played a role on the stage. It was also about- the challenge. The idea of achieving something when it seemed impossible, I strongly believe everything lies in the power of our mind.
Today as I reflect. I can see it very differently. It brings about those two major issues we all struggle with, at some point or the other in our life. First, to be chosen for who we are. We all want to be seen and acknowledged by others, more so by people whom we care about, like our coworkers, friends, and more importantly by our family. Somehow, we feel the need to prove our worth first! This belief of ‘worthiness,’ is so bloody engrained in our mind by this society. We need a ‘high’ about this sense of achievement, to believe, that we are actually worthy and deserve to be loved. Most of the time, we feel not good enough. We internalize, that we are setting goals or increasing standards for our improvement. Sadly, it’s just a cover-up for shame in not accepting ourself!
The second realization is a hard one for me that, the bruised ego is a dangerous weapon. In this context, it brought about a positive outcome. Challenges work on ego. Anger stems from ego. Ego is a false sense of identity. As I reflect on my life, I understand this, time and again the challenges have brought out the best in me professionally and personally. It is a different learning altogether, now, as I look back, I see my ego staring right back at me!
Undoubtedly, there was an achievement and I must give it, its due credits. First, to myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting new things that were not ‘my type’ and navigating through the challenges.
Second, to all my friends from the English department who supported me. It was their incredible effort and presence, memories of which, are so close to my heart. Last but not the least, it feels like a tremendous achievement to break the stereotype!
Dreams can be strangers, Dreams can be friends, Dreams can be invaders, Dreams can invent. In them we get lost, In them we unite. In beautiful days we delight, When things go smooth and Life is dream-like, we smile We gather memories, we delight When it gets hard, we feel crushed We call it nightmare and try to hush. We hate our plight, The fact is that whatever may it be, One day we’ll leave, this abode Let’s ponder where we go, Let’s reflect on what we do. Before the fate strikes!
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 