Scientifically, the Sun never sets. Sunset is an illusion. We buy it for the human experience. We let it soak in our memory. We admire its beauty. In other words, the experience here super seeds the logic. What if, one day you wake up and you are told the world is all changed? Everything you thought was you were incorrect. You have no identity. You are left wondering who you are. This is a dangerous place to be, for most of what we think we are, is a role played by the ego. It tries to keep us safe. When we no longer connect with it, whatever we are not, it shun. Like chaff from the rice. What remains is truth. Ego gives us resistance, it numbs us. It gets wounded and reacts. Once we understand it, we can see it is trying to protect us and in this effort to maintain safety at all times, still, we end up paying a big price. Most of the time we don’t know that we don’t know. We assume based on our conditioning. We rarely challenge our thinking to know why we think, what we think, because, we are taught it is insane. We are taught to live by “worldly ways”. However, so-called normal is what the majority of people do. It doesn’t necessarily mean it is correct. If we are unable to distinguish what is taught to us and what we feel, we can’t possibly know ourselves fully. If we don’t know ourselves, then we can’t possibly know our core values. If we don’t know our values, how can we live them? If we don’t live according to our values then who’s life are we living? Let’s wake up and check are we living someone else’s life? Today, we might be experiencing the dark night, however, if we commit to working towards our authenticity, we will soon behold an experience of a beautiful sunrise!
An incredible and enjoyable journey in life is the one, which we embark on as travelers and not as tourists. When we don’t have a set path. When there is no road map to guide. We just go ahead, a little unsure, a little uncertain as to what the future awaits. Not knowing what landscapes we would discover. Navigating slowly. Experiencing each moment. Embracing what it brings – the thrills, the disappointments, the joys, and the sorrows, as they appear. Soaking in the experience. These bittersweet adventures leading to our mental, emotional and spiritual growth. However, our conditioning is such that, we attach meanings to everything around us. Everything “should” make sense for us to feel safe. If it doesn’t for some reason, we force our brain to give some connotation to it. If still, we can’t, then we become anxious and restless. Our mind is in continuous conversation with us. We live with constant chatter in our heads, day in and day out. The issue here is, that, we observe things through the lens of society. We infer meaning based on whatever mental programming we acquire while growing up. We identify so much with our mind, that we can not recognize this dysfunction. It requires us to get detached to make sense of it. Like we do with others, we need to give ourselves some space to unwind too. This means, we must learn to sit in stillness and just be. Sometimes, the inaction is the most rightful action! To let peace and calm flow, may mean, spending time alone. Especially to quiet the mental noise. However, being still can be scary for people who keep jumping from one thing to another and one activity to another, as a coping mechanism. Always wanting to stay busy to distract the mind from whatever is troubling us, is numbing. So, stillness can be tough. Staying calm and/or sitting in silence, brings one closer to one’s self. Similar to Vipassana Meditation, which is done by keeping total silence for days. Although it looks simple, many people leave it halfway, unable to complete ten days of the retreat. So let us get curious. Why is this silence so difficult? What does staying silent bring about in us? What is that we don’t want to accept? Why does restlessness set in? Why is stillness discomforting and unnerving?
We may prefer to label this silence as meditation or mindfulness or awareness. Regardless, silence can wake us up inside. It is in this silence we meet – ourselves and others at a deeper level. We are interconnected in solitude. Observe this silence in nature, in life, between the events, at the beginning and towards the end of the day. It is transformational. Focus on the breath. Experience the internal calm. Silence draws our attention towards this very moment of our existence. It is in “this eternal now”, we can significantly and blissfully live!
Is this Attachment ? Or trauma response? Clarifying too much? Or explaining too little? Wanting to be seen? Or wanting to disappear? Do I share? Do you care? Am I too much? Is this significant? Do I make you happy? Or am I never there? Do I like the way we show up? Or it should have been different? Is it an expression? Or am I seeking validation? Oh yes, I see the wounds! Yes, I am scared! How do I heal them? Will someone fix it for me? Or is it for me to recover? This void, has always existed. How to fill it? No one taught me! Was it love? I lost it? Or did love never exist? And, I thought it did! Why did I not say what was true to me? Why did I repeat what was expected? Why did I say less? Why did I skew? Why did I stayed longer? Giving too many chances? What did I want? What did I do? What did I see? What did I not know? Why was it not easy, to just be? Staying for too long? Or leaving too early? Shaming? Blaming? Criticizing? Praising? Holding? Scolding? Pursuing? Avoiding? Escaping? Fantasizing? Expectations? Disappointments? Connection? Disassociation? Who do I have to prove anything? Whose approval am I seeking? Who taught me that only difficult roads led to beautiful places? Maybe, for me, magnificence might exist in simple settings! Who are we trying to prove our worthiness? Could light be appreciated, if darkness didn’t exist? Will we ever stop living in the boxes? When will we discard the “what if’s”? Pause. Reflect. Is this a mental imagery? Is this making sense? Or is this a labyrinth of quicksand? Where one thought is giving way to another? For once, I know, There are no answers!
The concept of space is abstract. It is an internal quest. It is mysterious and limitless. We live in a space, trying to co-exist. It is vague and hard to perceive. Space lends everything its characteristics. Water in nature prevails differently in space. Similarly, in this physicality exists a duality. In Space between us Life’s dramas are staged. Sometimes we are “too” into that place, However, this, we fail to understand. It is only when we distant ourselves, We discover in all this, A greater significance. Space is fluid and ever-shifting. At times we fail to observe our boundaries. Sometimes, we encroach upon other’s space. At other times, people seize it completely. This dynamic spurs our conflicts. We, as contestants, constantly, Try to prove our worthiness. Through this power-play, we express, Our essence and our personalities. The balance that our existence seeks, Prevails in this awareness that- It is, in this space, That our entire life exists! The tasks that we do are executed here. There occur repercussions for our actions. No one can own this space. So, life is nothing but a series of interactions.
This time when we meet, With extended awareness let’s greet. Transcending time and place. In this dimension, For us, we hold space, For me to treat you right, For us not to fight. For respect to prevail. Together we need to ascend, Beyond egos and judgements, Beyond power and submission. Beyond right and wrong… In that space, Let’s meet. With safety and grace. In each other we home!
Moon has a dark side. Sun gets eclipsed. Life has blind spots. Sea has Cliffs. Hidden from eyes- Some drawings, Still cast a spell. Some eyes- See what is behind The veil. The walls are meaningless, When the thoughts connect in resonance. Distance is nonexistent, When vibes coincide. I see the same moon, That twinkles in your eye. I hear your silent words in my ear, As if, you are here, so near. Some impressions are indelible. Some romantics are incurable. Some stars are our guides, Regardless, why do they hide!
I believe, Dhano is a good soul. She is not exceptionally elegant if you go by society’s established standards. However, she is loyal, durable, and quick to manoeuvre… Yes, I am talking about my Maruti 800 personified, who my family lovingly called Dhano(courtesy Sholay). She was bid goodbye today. I am happy for a new member of my family, however, I will miss Dhano, my friend in lots of adventures. I still remember the first drive I took trembling. My legs were shaking when I got off the ride. It was a difficult car to drive because of its steering (as I had not taken power steering on purpose). I loved it because short drive mein long drive ka maza 😉 Due to its amazing pickup, I was always first to lead on the green signal. Its small size was people’s envy, as I could manoeuvre it in a small place and did not have to worry about parking. Some adventures with Dhano are unforgettable. Once, I was returning from the temple in the morning. I saw that a man was running behind his son’s school bus. I believe, Dhano kind-of, pushed me 😄 to help that stranger. I asked him to hop-in my car. Initially, he was surprised but, he sat. So, off we went chasing the bus in a very filmy way…Bhag Dhano Bhag… The child was able to get his stuff, but his dad seemed dizzy after that ride. Oh, what fun it was, to see him get down the car and with folded hands say “Jai Mata Di!”. Dhano was my reliable companion when I was constructing my house. Long pipes, marble tiles, and whatnot were loaded in it. We overloaded it with stuff during the shifting of the house. It was so full of cartons leaving only one place for me to sit and drive. She carried the load like a pickup truck. Sometimes, to an extent, that it became difficult to drive. However, to take care of her, I ensured that I never missed any of its maintenance services. Some months back I was frantically driving to the hospital, late evening, with my son semi-conscious on the back seat. My heart beating uncontrollably. I was pushing my anxiety away, constantly telling it to wait, so I don’t get a panic attack. Somewhere in my heart, I knew my Dhano was there and we will reach in time. We did. Once, it was pouring cats and dogs and I had joined this new place of work and also had to visit an income tax advisor for filing my return. Now all the property-related documents and all my qualification certificates were with me. In Chandigarh, water logging takes place for a short while at roundabouts. The water was at my door level. Suddenly, I saw some smoke coming from the bonnet. I stopped the car on the side. After pushing the button to open the bonnet, I jumped out of the car, in the rain, wondering what to do. I was standing next to my Dhano, hugging tightly, that plastic bag of important documents. I was so fearful thinking what will I do if there was a fire in the car. A cab stopped and the driver chose to help me. He opened the bonnet and checked and the smoke that seemed to be coming was from steam being formed and not due to any fire. I was so thankful. Some events become the turning point of life. That day, that adventure with Dhano was a major turning point in my life, due to personal incidents that emerged thereafter. It is only in a tough situation that we realize our strengths and also who are the people who stand with us. In these twelve years, Dhano was taken for granted, I always knew she was there. Today as we part ways, my heart is heavy and I know that something is changing for, forever. Thank you, my friend. You always be remembered. Adieu!
For those hugs and kisses, Love’s sweet nothings, All the emotions, Amounting to devotion, Upon him, were bestowed. His heart was big. It still wanted more. Dreams were big, The desire for more. High passions and intense craving. For possessions and to be a somebody. Yet, inspite of all effort, And being surrounded by wonderful people, And inspite all the motivation, With all the reasons which could bring him possible victories… That never happened; Was it ever meant to be? His heart was angry, lonely, and longing. Craving for what? A mystery? For what he thought would be provided by another, It was his own soul’s yearning. His heart was big, Its yearning was bigger. Everything that went inside it, Disappeared infinitely, Tenderness failed to affect him. Undoubtedly, his heart was magnetic. It pulled affection towards it. Even though, that heart waited for someone to stitch its damage, Yet, whoever came close was pushed away. For distance appeared safe. Self-sabotage, though it was, He knew no other way. Only, if he could break this pattern. Learning to give and receive love. Feeling safety in closeness as in distance. Rising in love, and not letting ego drown everything. Accepting the uneasiness that comes with another’s close presence. For love is unconditional, it is compassion. Trusting someone enough to let things shift. Till then, his heart with its emptiness is, Nothing but a bottomless pit!
She adored the prince through and through. Every day on his window-pane, she flew. She sat and sang, songs so sweet. She felt it was – what was meant to be. Every day it made him happy, It made him optimistic for the day. Then one day, it was not enough. She sang but failed to cheer him up. There was no red rose he could get. For his beautiful mistress! He saw the white one and wished he was dead! The nightingale was heartbroken. That morning when prince awakened. The bird had blood-fed the rose. It was as red as could be. The nightingale was no more. The prince merrily plucked the rose. A Rose to express his love, Why? wasn’t love just enough? Yes, life is not always fair… True, not everyone cares!
रिश्तों का ताना बाना, Ebb and flow of relationships… तेरा मुझसे लड़ना, मेरा तुझे मनाना, rising beyond ego clashes. तेरा मेरे संग बैठना, मुस्कुराना, like blissful ecstasy. रिश्तों का यूं बन जाना, our destiny.
धागे ये कच्चे हैं, यूं उलझ गए ऐसे ही, न मुझे खबर लगी, न तुम समझे सही! टूट जाते हैं जो धागे कच्चे, गांठें पड़े, न जुड़े कभी भी, दर्द के दरिया में, रोज़ गोते खा रही हैं जिंदगी
इस कदर छा गया दिल में सन्नअटा, silence perpetually. अब न मिलोगे कभी, acceptance eventually. अब इस टूटे आइने में दिखे है, harsh reality. कुछ का होता है यही नसीब, inevitably,. रिश्तों का ताना-बाना, Ebb and flow of relationships!
Trapped in a gloomy dungeon. Everywhere darkness adorned. There prevailed chains, Brokenness, and pain. Everything unreasonable and insane. With all the might, I put up a fight. Depleting me of my energy. As I wriggled out of the dungeon, slowly. There was light so bright. Dazzled, I lost my sight. Suddenly, the world was a new place. As though I was born again! I trembled as I crawled I got assistance and I survived. Some motivated me in my despair. Some offered me kindness and care. Someone share a laugh. Someone convinced me I was enough. I tried to gather my strength to walk. I was feeling weak still. The ascent is always a steep uphill. I saw a hand stretched towards me. I took its support like crutches. I walked a few steps and felt powerful. As the weather changes, so does time. Those dependencies are nothing but enzymes. Chemicals in the brain create that fog. The more you want something, The further it got! But I was in an unusual ‘high’. Love gives you these wings. Freedom to float anywhere, freedom to say anything. Fantasy is a flight towards a dream. Yes, I understand the science behind it all. Mysteries, build adrenaline rush, And push us to do hard things. The ‘high’ is sufficient to move a mountain. Is this ‘high’ making me an addict, insane? In your world, you see the same stars. Awestruck, we see the same moon from afar. My mind and heart feel so connected, Though the distance between us cannot be measured.
How do I see a sameness in differentiation? There is a strong connection in this separation! Although, I love the thought that we could be together, This is but just a thought. I want to feel close, yet I want to stay afar. I am living in paradox. Maybe, I am in love with this paradox. Or is it that, I feel we are not apart? Maybe I am imagining, what you’ll be, It may just be my fantasy. Maybe I distraught the reality, Maybe I assume what is not! Maybe there is more that I do not see. Yet, it is making me the person I always wanted to be.
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 