Nothing comes from nothing.
Underlying the stories that we tell ourselves and the stories that others tell us about ourselves is the essence of who we are. At some point in time, we realise that we seek something which will fill the void or emptiness that exists in us.
I recognised that and associate it with a feeling of warmth and affection. Symbolic of “home”. Most of us live life as it comes, in the world of our whims and fancies. Jumping from one experience to another, from one emotion to another, assuming, that one day we will attain what we are looking for. We continue in routine, clinging frantically to people, memories, habits, thoughts and feelings. Overly attached to the outcomes. Not discerning that every action and thought is a Karma. We conclude that we make decisions, however, it is our decisions(of past present and future) that actually “make” us.
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It is an eternal quest. Perhaps, it is more about internalization. A voyage, a homecoming to self. When we expose ourselves to teachings and spiritual practices, we experience an upward thrust. We enjoy the sweetness. Through these practices, we extricate ourselves from obsessive thoughts and emotions. We identify the alignment of our continuous actions. This can be compared to the ripening of fruits. Metaphorically, we ripen from inside, we become sweeter in our very existence.
Thus this life changes from inside to out. It is like reviving our essence. The use of spiritual practices, make us more aware. To remain in awareness can be very simple at the same time challenging. Meditation is one of the tools that helps us to ripen and releases obsessive clinging to materialistic things, to accept whatever comes, comes and whatever goes, goes. It results in an exalted state of awareness. The highs are not too high and lows are never too low.
A sense of “being in the eternal now” prevails. Our stereotypical concept of “who we think we are”, vanishes. It is like letting go of little bits of ourselves every day.
Mindfull living is about living in the now and identifying the presence within. It is souls’ homecoming.
We love the notion of love. More than the person, it is our idea of the person that we love. Have you ever noticed why popular love stories, like Heer Ranjha, Romeo Juliet, and others are so famous? They are immortal and timeless romances. There must definitely have existed those whose love was fiercer. Those who overcame all the impediments in their path. To be in the embrace of their beloved. Those who managed to win and marry their love. So why their stories fade away in history? Why their names are forgotten and no lovers swear on them?
It must be the unrequited love and the separation that makes these stories live forever. The catastrophe, the sadness and the fear or pain of abandonment, that continues to live in the generations, even after the people seize to live. So, isn’t it the pain which is more of an inspiration for man than love is?
The journey is not smooth. I see the contours. I struggle to hold tight. Navigating directions and self imposed boundaries. Maneuvering my life towards what seems a destination.
A few days back, there was a discussion on religion – what it is? What is the purpose of religion? The theory came up like- there could be unity if there is one or no religion.
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That set me questioning, as to what can ever unite the world? With each one following different faiths and ideologies all coming to a common consensus was nearly impossible. The world has both believers and atheists and numerous religions. Will, we ever develop acceptance and tolerance towards others in ‘Peaceful co-existence’?
What on earth can ever unite us?
People with power and ulterior motives lead humanity their way, using religion as a tool. Group dynamics of fear and anger is used to make one human fight with another human in the name of caste, creed, region, religion, nationality, and just anything. In all this humanity becomes insignificant.
As I was pondering over religion, politics, god, and humanity, guess who joined the debate- Corona!
It seems like a movie. Movies usually leave us thinking and introspecting. However, more often than not, the movies have protagonists who set it all right in the end. The audience departs the theatre relaxed.
This stuff – is real.
This is no fiction. No superheroes are coming to save us.
The lockdowns, the confinements and the scare – all real. With an increasing number of positive Corona cases and home quarantine cases, stress is increasing. High population density, ignorance and poor personal hygiene are the catalyst to initiate this blast. With limited medical and healthcare, India sits on this bomb.
Did we all not see this coming?
Some Virus attack. Highly contagious. Discussions -if it was biological warfare, targeting some countries and economies. Pressure on medical systems. Bad guys exploiting the situation- selfish motives and inhuman traits surface. They later become prey to their greed, under the same conditions. Despair. Loneliness. Disease and suffering. Deserted, desolate streets. Morbidity, fear of death. All emotions touched.
It is not the Hollywood thriller, as a child, I had wished to be a part of. Looking forward to boasting of superhuman stamina to save the world by being part of Star Trek or Matrix. That was a childhood fantasy.
Today this is humanity in existential crisis!
Desolate streets, birds singing.
Clean sky, prevailing morbidity.
Calm restlessness everywhere.
Silence shouts loud. Paradoxes coexist.
This lockdown has slowed us in every respect. More introspection.
More respect for nature. Consumerism’s meaninglessness.
Minimalism is need of the hour.
We are learning to pause.
Maybe, we will come out of this clear and clean. Maybe.
Maybe, we will accept new perspectives and evolved mindsets. I really pray we do!
In all this, there is another irony. Role of religion and God!
I find it so striking that all the religious places, of all religions, are closed down. Has God turned us away? Does he want us to alter our perspective? Maybe he wants to say “Go home to yourself, that is where you will find me!” Maybe he wants us to look inwards!
So, not religion, not money, not a dictator, not resources, not love but fear of death has connected the entire world. Irrespective of borders, the world unites. Humanity unites to fight a virus!
Today, in the evening, I heard loud bells ringing and people clapping, banging utensils. As PM Modi had requested people to do so. If there is an astrological reason or not, I don’t know.
I conclude that group dynamics and collective consciousness does play a very important role and always would. Mass meditations and prayers do always impact. There has been a lot of research done on it. “Maharishi effect” is the term that can be googled to see more information on it.
I stepped out to feel the vibrations, all in unison. I was looking at the clear blue sky, wondering, will a miracle descend? Is there a God listening to all this? Suddenly, I felt overpowered, I felt vibrations making a magical impact on my senses. It was mesmerizing. All the neighbours smiling at each other. Enjoying clapping, striking the bells and the utensils. This act was refreshing after the day’s lockdown.
Undoubtedly, we are all connected. We are energy bodies. Unfortunately, we consider our self as matter. There has been no better living example like today when we feel so connected with each other. Connected in fear, suffering and pain.
Connected on social media- Facebook, chats, WhatsApp groups, phone calls inquiring about each other’s welfare, writing poems, showing gratitude, appreciation and love. Writing apologies to ask forgiveness.
Energy connects us as we pray, collectively – This shall too pass!
The year 2004, Gurgaon.
Graveyard shift was the name given to the shift timings that began at 3:00 am IST at the call centre. It was Mona’s favourite of all the different shift timings that existed in the company, as it gave her more time with her daughter. She woke up at 1:00 am and after taking bath sat for her prayers and meditation. The cab arrived at 2:00 am. The watchman was sleeping as usual. She had to call loudly to wake him up. He grumbled as he opened the gates of the apartment. The cab was near the entrance. The dogs were barking. One of the dogs started to howl.
She sat in the cab and was surprised to see only one gentleman sitting beside the driver. Usually, there were more people in the cab and one odd pick up would be done after she boarded. The cab started towards Sushant Lok. In those days, the GPS was used to track the cab by the cab operator. However, the addresses of the employees could not be located as they can be done now.
She liked the night. Darkness intrigued her. Trees always fascinated her. They looked all alluring tonight. They looked silent and still in the chilly winter night. Inside the cab the music was loud. The heating was on. It was what she enjoyed the most while travelling – darkness, music and trees.
The cab was speeding fast towards the next pick-up. Abruptly the driver spoke nervous and excited as they crossed a lady walking along the road. “Don’t look back its a ghost”. Mona and her colleague obeyed.
Her colleague had noticed the ladylike being more than she had. He began to tremble in spite of the fact that the cab was warm. Suddenly, the headlight of the car dimmed. They were not fussed but very very dim. This made them all nervous. The cab driver tried to put some religious music on, but now, the music system failed. All began to pray loudly. Although the driver wanted to race through the street, he could not pick up the speed above 50 Km/hr. They reached the locality for the pickup, quite grateful that the ghost was left behind (hopefully). There was the construction of apartments going on. There were potholes on the roads and sand and pebbles lay on the sides. The entire block for almost half a kilometre was desolate. The driver took the right turn. Then again two more turns. To their absolute surprise, they came back to the same place of construction. The driver struggled to find a way out of that locality. It took good forty minutes and lots of prayers to get out of that vicious circle of whatever it was. Everyone was visibly relieved.
As the cab sped at the speed of 90 km/hr, the headlights were beaming through the darkness. Mona felt a paradox at that moment – loud music could be relaxing to the senses. She wanted things to feel as they always did. Dark, still and silent, enigmatic, yet beautiful!
Suddenly a cloud enveloped the car. It was white. Smoke or fog or what, it was not apparent. The driver had to cut down the speed. They couldn’t stop as the driver was not certain if the cab was on the side or in the middle of the road. Stopping could invite a disaster. Slowly the car kept moving covered in that cloud. The music was switched off. More Prayers followed. After about five to seven minutes the cloud disappeared. Vanished. The sky was crystal clear as before. Stars dimly visible due to glaring lights of the high raised buildings.
The car entered the parking area and all gave a sigh of relief.
Someone might want to give remarkable logical and scientific reasons for what happened and why.
For Mona, it would always remain a phantom memory!
It was 2:30 am, 31st December 2019. The year was going to end in a few hours. She tossed and turned in her bed, not able to fall asleep. It had been a very happening year. A turning point in her life. Today she was reminded of someone. A kind lady whom she had met in the hospital some twenty years ago. The most challenging time in life a woman is, childbirth. It was past midnight. She was admitted to a ward in Jaipur Golden Hospital for a C-section. It was a planned Cesarean. Doctors had suggested surgery as the baby was breech. It was life-threatening for the child to go for normal delivery. At 23 years she was quite a child herself. It was her life’s first surgery. She was very scared. Hospital and those smells had invariably made her nervous. Past midnight an argument broke between her and her husband. she lay trembling as he shouted at her. Delivery time and stress got on her nerves and she began to cry. Seeing her cry he lost it completely and began hitting her.”You know I don’t like your crying drama!” He yelled and hurled a few fits of abuse. She felt as if everything was enveloped in darkness and the world was collapsing. She simply wanted it to stop. In those minutes she wished she was dead. All she badly needed was to be a reassured that everything would be alright. All her attempts to control tears were futile. She failed to understand why she was not being treated fair. She longed for a comforting hug and love that she thought was her due right, for, she was about to deliver into the world that tiny cute baby who would be the family’s pride. He was agitated. Instead of being comforted, she was hit on her face. Shocked and angry she began to cry loudly. This led to several slaps right and left. Her face was red and bruised, but her heart was smashed and broken. Totally in pieces that pierced her soul. She hid her face in the pillow and wept. After a while, she felt the need to use the washroom. Her husband had slept on the settee near the door. The room was partitioned into two parts with a plastic opaque curtain. There was a bed on each side of the curtain. The washroom was on the other side of the curtain. As she walked to the loo. The old lady who was lying on that bed signaled her to come to her bedside. She went to her. The lady held her and hugged her and cried. The motherly affection at this time touched her immensely. She hugged her back and wept. “How will you live your life with this man?” The kind lady asked her. Some questions don’t have answers. The lady kissed her. She lovingly said, “May God give you strength”. Some old ladies feel like blessings. She seemed to be an angel giving her the comforting hug that was so badly needed. She secretly wished that the kind Aunty should not meet her parents. She might tell them about the fight and the abuse. For some reason, she didn’t want her parents to know about the regular abuse.
In the washroom she wept her heart out. Suddenly, she realized that her water bag had burst. She panicked. Going into normal labor was dangerous for the baby. She prayed. The doctors had to perform an emergency operation promptly. For some reasons, doctors had to give her oral anesthesia. The surgery lasted for almost ninety minutes and it took her another two hours to regain consciousness. The mental state she was in after the fight and the anesthesia during the surgery together had affected her brain. She had gone into shock. Her senses had numbed. Her responses became sluggish and dull. She was in a different world altogether. Everything was distant and unrelated. She would continually stare at wall and her mind was blank. Many memories were that meant so much were forgotten forever that day. Little did she know her life was changed for ever. Wit and intelligence had once been her charm. She had lost it all. Recollecting who she was, where she was, what day it was, all started to take unusually long time. This dull-headedness continued for many years that followed.
Post operation, her discomfort was heightened by visitors. Although doctors had advised bed rest for the entire day, she was compelled to pretend that she was normal. Her in-laws, who were so opposing to what all the doctors said, came to visit her. She was forced to sit and walk, smile and chat for almost three hours. The nurse, who came to check her temperature, as a routine, was shocked to see it. She quickly made her lie down and informed everyone that while the patient is in the hospital, he has to abide with doctors advice. The crying of the newborn, would often bring her attention back from the state of nothingness. As she would hold the baby in her arms she felt a strange peace and calm descended upon her for sometime.
The shock-like state lasted for years. With passing years she got overall better as she began working full time. Anxiety still triggered the same trauma-like response in her. However, looking back she sees that the journey was a tough terrain trek. She saw herself as a soul on a journey, surviving the numb heart and the broken past! Healing always took time.
She was grateful to God for everything she had been through. She was grateful to the angels she met in the human form time and again, who have taught her the significance of empathy and compassion. It were these fragments of love and kindness along with her struggles and challenges that had navigated her into her current trajectory. She understood that everything that ever happened had facilitated the movement towards growth and ascension.
Dreams can be strangers, Dreams can be friends, Dreams can be invaders, Dreams can invent. In them we get lost, In them we unite. In beautiful days we delight, When things go smooth and Life is dream-like, we smile We gather memories, we delight When it gets hard, we feel crushed We call it nightmare and try to hush. We hate our plight, The fact is that whatever may it be, One day we’ll leave, this abode Let’s ponder where we go, Let’s reflect on what we do. Before the fate strikes!
I believe we meet people for a reason. We meet people who we Need. Certain people are Catalyst! With them, we have a distinct connect, They suddenly imply something intense! Either through pushing, holding or scaffolding, They somehow direct us. Indeed! To our goal’s trail, they lead. They provide us fuel to propel – Us, on the path where we need to dwell! They help us reflect on what we endure. As there is nothing like forever, So the catalyst bids a farewell! No matter how good is our introspection, Our self expectation is a hindrance, For clear self-communication. As it is conditioned by our beliefs and disbeliefs. Everyone’s inner truth is subjective, It’s an individual perspective. There are no solutions in the endless discussions! The sensory perceptions can be deceptions. The explanation we seek is within. It is a constant struggle to silence the maladaptive subconscious and empower the conscious. When the conscious leads, we are connected with the answers we seek. We keep expecting others to applaud, When we should actually, give a pause! Our intentions need our consideration. “Why ?” should be our self-reflection… Good intentions give us conviction. We then realized we are not this body, not this mind. The “lesson” is repeated until we comprehend. I thank all my catalysts for making those connections… In life, all we need is re-alignment and re-orientation! This life’s purpose we attempt to achieve. It is not in discussion but, in that silence, We formulate ourselves to be the “me” we seek!
What would a perfect day for me be… ?
A beautiful sunrise in the lake,
The cold breeze and a little heartache.
A longing to see the pretty face.
A longing to drown in those eyes.
A sumptuous breakfast and tea
Meaningful glances as we discuss
Trials of life as such!
The peace that follows,
Knowing that I have,
Someone to fall back upon!
Yes, in travel I delight.
Meeting new people, seeing sights.
Appreciating God's beautiful creations.
I drown in my own emotions…
As the sun sets in the horizon.
Awestruck I see it, with colourful hues…
As if it sets in my heart,
Creating memories forever to cherish!
Time is quite a paradox. Some believe it exists, others not. We see the stars and the moon seems to glow. The night sky is so beautiful with its all pomp and show. Uncountable galaxies and the milky way, Spiral around in the universe, always. Time is immortal and immemorial. The universe is full of abundance, it is so surreal. What all we see, comprehend and conceive, Whatever we perceive, with our limiting belief. Let's reflect on what is the crux? Life of man is made of stardust! Once our life on this planet concludes, All that our moral vision deludes. We will travel beyond space and time. All our memories will erode. As we dwell in heavenly abode. So discard the thoughts that we are just body. We are neither this body nor just mind, On Earth, we have a limited lifetime. Why indulge in material possession? These are an illusion, misguiding deceptions! Then we blame it all on destiny. Forever, the limit of time has been Infinity!
The journey is not smooth. I see the contours. I struggle to hold tight. Navigating directions and self imposed boundaries. Maneuvering my life towards what seems a destination.
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 