Tag: Life

The show must go on! (Memories Children’s Day 2014)

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
The show must go on !

As I was going through google notifications, I was taken in a time when I stood on the stage of Newton Hall, at SFHS, participating in a short skit to entertain students on the occasion of children’s day, 2014.
“Andher Nagari Chopat Raja” was a hilarious script written by my colleagues. I was performing as a mere umbrella carrier boy for the king. I think in the entire play, I had just one-word dialogue to deliver, which was – “bhago!”( meaning run!). However, as I had nothing to lose, no chances of error, I enjoyed every moment of the performance, mine as well as others. Children and my colleagues appreciated my performance and I was surprised that I got noticed for such a trivial role. Honestly, it was something I was doing for my own fun. I was enjoying the idea of standing on the stage and acting after so so many years. I was completely into that character, no matter how unimportant the part was.  Today, I am reminded again of that enactment. The role I am playing now is of a middle-aged woman, a mother, a teacher, etc. No matter how insignificant my place in the universe might be, the calling is to play the role well. Sometimes, we don’t appreciate the story plot or situation we are in. Sometimes, the roles seem demanding. At times, different characters and their personalities challenge us and impact us unfavorably. At times, we want to call it quits. Occasionally, there are lighter moments and happiness and then there are painful moments and grief. We miss certain roles and long for specific characters to show-up for us in a special way. Maybe, we pray for a modification in the script or a transformation in our character. Whatever be it, we need to remember, that in this life, which looks like “The Andher Nagari”, we require to be a strong persona and that we can mature by understanding our life’s experiences as lessons. We require to be like the cinematographer and continue to edit and re-edit, work and rework at our thoughts, to bring authenticity and fineness to our lives. The motive is to customize, whatever story script that has been handed to us, in a manner, that leads us to live a more fulfilling life. As we all know, on this stage of life… The show must go on!

Oh Hell! Stuck on a Hamster’s wheel?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

Hell is not a place. It exists as a state of mind. Where the senses appear to collapse under the intense sensory overload. Hell can feel like an eternity. It is a living death. Suffering or pain afflicts in all possible forms. Pain could either be physical or psychological or both. Pain is a protective biological process to keep a person safe. It creates neurotransmitters in the brain for future reference. The paradox is, that pain, is not a conscious form of energy. It does not know if the response to it is for the better or not. Our unconscious brain has a characteristic, that, it gets attached to repetition. People can get addicted to pain, as it seems a familiar place to be. Trapped in a painful situation, people are unable to step down the hamster’s wheel. They keep repeating the cycle of pain. The situations or people who trigger pain may be varied, at different phases of life. However, the outcome is the same pain. When a person lives this way, he is experiencing helplessness and feels trapped in hell. It takes a tremendous amount of work to break the cycle. Occasionally a person can identify, some kind of pattern in the mistakes he repeatedly makes. As a result, guilt and shame give rise to much mental and emotional suffering. His brain gets signals to be hyper-vigilant or over-cautious. This may push him into a state of inactivity or numbness. The fear of making the same mistakes prevents him from taking control of his life. Unable to take accountability for his actions, further leads to the feeling of being trapped in hell. New neurotransmitters can only be established when we do new things.  When we walk the unknown path or identify and change our patterns. Even when we are mindful, we might still somehow end up making the same mistakes. We might feel, incapable of getting down the hamster’s wheel. It may seem as if we are going round in loops. However, it is significant to understand that when we are conscious of our inner realities, the path is not a circle anymore. The trajectory becomes a spiral. Multidimensional. When we visit similar situations and similar mistakes, with more understanding and compassion it leads to our growth and recovery.  The journey gets transformed into a healing spiral where we gain more wisdom to neutralize our reactivity towards suffering. This learning leads to our emancipation from suffering. Acknowledging the function that pain plays can guide us to a better understanding of our defense mechanisms. The key to growth and change lies in its acceptance and not in avoidance. So, with self-awareness, we can reconstruct a favorable life with amazing outcomes. We can step down the hamster’s wheel leading to liberation from our hell!

Dream

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

I dream to hoard time
Like coins in my piggy bank.
I dream to store the smell of rain,
Will sniff, when life is insane.
I wish to release the fragrance of Jasmine,
That would lighten up my tired spirit.
I desire to keep the breeze locked in my hair.
Morning dew on my face,
And Sunlight in my soul.
I want to preserve fireflies,
In the wild, of my eyes.
I crave to taste the clouds.
I hope to fly to the mountains tops.
And walk on the sea beds.
I want to play with the starfish.
I wish to breathe, the moonlight.
I want to identify that
Song, stuck in my head!
Let my words talk straight.
Let my expressions be clear.
As I desire to understand,
And be understood.
I drive to collect,
All the moments of joy.
Living to the fullest before I die!

The words vibe

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

“Control” is an interesting word. We all understand that the only thing, we possibly can control, is ourselves. So, when I mention control here, it is regarding self. We read about quotes like these – “If you don’t control your emotions they will rule you.”  And “You can change your destiny by controlling your thoughts.” On my healing journey, I realized that this word is misplaced. We all are going through transformation and change and so should the word “control” in its context. I think it needs to be replaced by a more compassionate phrase – Self-regulation. I am in love with the world of words, and I find self-regulation to be organic and apt to substitute the word “control” in these quotes and in life in general. Rephrasing the quotes: “If you don’t self-regulate your emotions they will rule you.” And “You can change your destiny by self-regulating your thoughts.”
What is the difference? How does this even matter? The major difference is the vibration and connotation of the word.
Controlling is indicative of denial. It slowly builds resentment within. Self-regulation suggests acceptance and reflection with a desire for a favorable change. It does not bring resentment but builds confidence. The need to control thoughts, emotions, etc. implies there exists a state of powerlessness. Whereas, the word self-regulation shows that we already possess the power. It shows awareness of the situation that requires to be regulated.
Self-regulation is one of those points where spirituality and psychology converge. It is here divine inner spark is felt. While practicing self-regulation we can detach from the situation and avoid reactivity. Usually, self-regulation can be achieved using healthy mechanisms and tools like meditation, journaling, and exercise. Control is achieved by numbing, using alcohol, excessive eating, workaholism, manipulation, or such stuff (for self).  Control works on the ego level. It seems to demonstrate strength. However, self-regulation operates on a deeper soul level to bring about a peaceful shift. It helps us to achieve alignment between body and mind. Goals can be achieved using either of them (or occasionally both of them) with practice. After all, the choice is ours. Transformation in any aspect of our life happens only when we integrate our learning with the choices we make. Quoting Carl Jung, “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
After all, we decide our vibe!

Living someone else’s life?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Photo credits unknown

Scientifically, the Sun never sets. Sunset is an illusion. We buy it for the human experience. We let it soak in our memory. We admire its beauty.  In other words, the experience here super seeds the logic.
What if, one day you wake up and you are told the world is all changed? Everything you thought was you were incorrect. You have no identity. You are left wondering who you are. This is a dangerous place to be, for most of what we think we are, is a role played by the ego. It tries to keep us safe. When we no longer connect with it, whatever we are not, it shun. Like chaff from the rice. What remains is truth. Ego gives us resistance, it numbs us. It gets wounded and reacts. Once we understand it, we can see it is trying to protect us and in this effort to maintain safety at all times, still, we end up paying a big price.
Most of the time we don’t know that we don’t know. We assume based on our conditioning. We rarely challenge our thinking to know why we think, what we think, because, we are taught it is insane. We are taught to live by “worldly ways”. However, so-called normal is what the majority of people do. It doesn’t necessarily mean it is correct. If we are unable to distinguish what is taught to us and what we feel, we can’t possibly know ourselves fully. If we don’t know ourselves, then we can’t possibly know our core values. If we don’t know our values, how can we live them? If we don’t live according to our values then who’s life are we living?
Let’s wake up and check are we living someone else’s life? Today, we might be experiencing the dark night, however, if we commit to working towards our authenticity, we will soon behold an experience of a beautiful sunrise!

In silence we meet

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

An incredible and enjoyable journey in life is the one, which we embark on as travelers and not as tourists. When we don’t have a set path. When there is no road map to guide. We just go ahead, a little unsure, a little uncertain as to what the future awaits. Not knowing what landscapes we would discover. Navigating slowly. Experiencing each moment. Embracing what it brings – the thrills, the disappointments, the joys, and the sorrows, as they appear. Soaking in the experience. These bittersweet adventures leading to our mental, emotional and spiritual growth.  
However,  our conditioning is such that, we attach meanings to everything around us. Everything “should” make sense for us to feel safe. If it doesn’t for some reason, we force our brain to give some connotation to it. If still, we can’t, then we become anxious and restless. Our mind is in continuous conversation with us. We live with constant chatter in our heads, day in and day out. The issue here is, that, we observe things through the lens of society. We infer meaning based on whatever mental programming we acquire while growing up. We identify so much with our mind, that we can not recognize this dysfunction. It requires us to get detached to make sense of it. Like we do with others, we need to give ourselves some space to unwind too. This means, we must learn to sit in stillness and just be. Sometimes, the inaction is the most rightful action! To let peace and calm flow, may mean, spending time alone. Especially to quiet the mental noise. However, being still can be scary for people who keep jumping from one thing to another and one activity to another, as a coping mechanism. Always wanting to stay busy to distract the mind from whatever is troubling us, is numbing. So, stillness can be tough. Staying calm and/or sitting in silence, brings one closer to one’s self. Similar to Vipassana Meditation, which is done by keeping total silence for days. Although it looks simple, many people leave it halfway, unable to complete ten days of the retreat.
So let us get curious. Why is this silence so difficult? What does staying silent bring about in us? What is that we don’t want to accept? Why does restlessness set in? Why is stillness discomforting and unnerving?

We may prefer to label this silence as meditation or mindfulness or awareness. Regardless, silence can wake us up inside. It is in this silence we meet – ourselves and others at a deeper level. We are interconnected in solitude. Observe this silence in nature, in life, between the events, at the beginning and towards the end of the day. It is transformational. Focus on the breath. Experience the internal calm. Silence draws our attention towards this very moment of our existence. It is in “this eternal now”, we can significantly and blissfully live!

There are no answers!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Right Questions?

Is this Attachment ?
Or trauma response?
Clarifying too much?
Or explaining too little?
Wanting to be seen?
Or wanting to disappear?
Do I share?
Do you care?
Am I too much?
Is this significant?
Do I make you happy?
Or am I never there?
Do I like the way we show up?
Or it should have been different?
Is it an expression?
Or am I seeking validation?
Oh yes, I see the wounds!
Yes, I am scared!
How do I heal them?
Will someone fix it for me?
Or is it for me to recover?
This void, has always existed.
How to fill it?
No one taught me!
Was it love? I lost it?
Or did love never exist?
And, I thought it did!
Why did I not say what was true to me?
Why did I repeat what was expected?
Why did I say less?
Why did I skew?
Why did I stayed longer?
Giving too many chances?
What did I want?
What did I do?
What did I see?
What did I not know?
Why was it not easy, to just be?
Staying for too long?
Or leaving too early?
Shaming? Blaming?
Criticizing? Praising?
Holding? Scolding?
Pursuing? Avoiding?
Escaping? Fantasizing?
Expectations? Disappointments?
Connection? Disassociation?
Who do I have to prove anything?
Whose approval am I seeking?
Who taught me that only difficult roads led to beautiful places?
Maybe, for me, magnificence might exist in simple settings!
Who are we trying to prove our worthiness?
Could light be appreciated, if darkness didn’t exist?
Will we ever stop living in the boxes?
When will we discard the “what if’s”?
Pause. Reflect.
Is this a mental imagery?
Is this making sense?
Or is this a labyrinth of quicksand?
Where one thought is giving way to another?
For once, I know,
There are no answers!

Let’s meet in space beyond the right and the wrong!

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

The concept of space is abstract.
It is an internal quest.
It is mysterious and limitless.
We live in a space, trying to co-exist.
It is vague and hard to perceive.
Space lends everything its characteristics.
Water in nature prevails differently in space.
Similarly, in this physicality exists a duality.
In Space between us
Life’s dramas are staged.
Sometimes we are “too” into that place,
However, this, we fail to understand.
It is only when we distant ourselves,
We discover in all this,
A greater significance.
Space is fluid and ever-shifting.
At times we fail to observe our boundaries.
Sometimes, we encroach upon other’s space.
At other times, people seize it completely.
This dynamic spurs our conflicts.
We, as contestants, constantly,
Try to prove our worthiness.
Through this power-play, we express,
Our essence and our personalities.
The balance that our existence seeks,
Prevails in this awareness that-
It is, in this space,
That our entire life exists!
The tasks that we do are executed here.
There occur repercussions for our actions.
No one can own this space.
So, life is nothing but a series of interactions.

This time when we meet,
With extended awareness let’s greet.
Transcending time and place.
In this dimension,
For us, we hold space,
For me to treat you right,
For us not to fight.
For respect to prevail.
Together we need to ascend,
Beyond egos and judgements,
Beyond power and submission.
Beyond right and wrong…
In that space,
Let’s meet.
With safety and grace.
In each other we home!

Bottomless Pit?

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life
Picture source unknown

For those hugs and kisses,
Love’s sweet nothings,
All the emotions,
Amounting to devotion,
Upon him, were bestowed.
His heart was big.
It still wanted more.
Dreams were big,
The desire for more.
High passions and intense craving.
For possessions and to be a somebody.
Yet, inspite of all effort,
And being surrounded by wonderful people,
And inspite all the motivation,
With all the reasons which could bring him possible victories…
That never happened;
Was it ever meant to be?
His heart was angry, lonely, and longing.
Craving for what? A mystery?
For what he thought would be provided by another,
It was his own soul’s yearning.
His heart was big,
Its yearning was bigger.
Everything that went inside it,
Disappeared infinitely,
Tenderness failed to affect him.
Undoubtedly, his heart was magnetic.
It pulled affection towards it. 
Even though, that heart waited for someone to stitch its damage,
Yet, whoever came close was pushed away.
For distance appeared safe.
Self-sabotage, though it was,
He knew no other way.
Only, if he could break this pattern.
Learning to give and receive love.
Feeling safety in closeness as in distance.
Rising in love, and not letting ego drown everything.
Accepting the uneasiness that comes with another’s close presence.
For love is unconditional, it is compassion.
Trusting someone enough to let things shift.
Till then, his heart with its emptiness is,
Nothing but a bottomless pit!

Dil mange more

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

(Inspired by advertisement by Pepsi)

Yeh dil mange more, Ahha!
More sunshine.
More Rain.
More Happiness.
More Gain.
More Profits.
No Pain.
A life safe and sane.
But, life is ebb and flow.
Impulsivness, mistakes, surrenders and the let go’s.
Still we try, to be wise.
Many plans we devise,
We polish our appearance.
Make everything so significant.
We disconnect from ourselves.
We justify the delays.
We ponder and we reflect.
So we don’t get in the same mess.
What are the wounds that we hide?
Oh, what all wars we fight!
Because we keep raising the bar…
We feel never enough,
Although we are!
All the glamour we adore!
Hey Dil, why do you always,
Always want more….Anhha?