Tag: Awareness

In silence we meet

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life

An incredible and enjoyable journey in life is the one, which we embark on as travelers and not as tourists. When we don’t have a set path. When there is no road map to guide. We just go ahead, a little unsure, a little uncertain as to what the future awaits. Not knowing what landscapes we would discover. Navigating slowly. Experiencing each moment. Embracing what it brings – the thrills, the disappointments, the joys, and the sorrows, as they appear. Soaking in the experience. These bittersweet adventures leading to our mental, emotional and spiritual growth.  
However,  our conditioning is such that, we attach meanings to everything around us. Everything “should” make sense for us to feel safe. If it doesn’t for some reason, we force our brain to give some connotation to it. If still, we can’t, then we become anxious and restless. Our mind is in continuous conversation with us. We live with constant chatter in our heads, day in and day out. The issue here is, that, we observe things through the lens of society. We infer meaning based on whatever mental programming we acquire while growing up. We identify so much with our mind, that we can not recognize this dysfunction. It requires us to get detached to make sense of it. Like we do with others, we need to give ourselves some space to unwind too. This means, we must learn to sit in stillness and just be. Sometimes, the inaction is the most rightful action! To let peace and calm flow, may mean, spending time alone. Especially to quiet the mental noise. However, being still can be scary for people who keep jumping from one thing to another and one activity to another, as a coping mechanism. Always wanting to stay busy to distract the mind from whatever is troubling us, is numbing. So, stillness can be tough. Staying calm and/or sitting in silence, brings one closer to one’s self. Similar to Vipassana Meditation, which is done by keeping total silence for days. Although it looks simple, many people leave it halfway, unable to complete ten days of the retreat.
So let us get curious. Why is this silence so difficult? What does staying silent bring about in us? What is that we don’t want to accept? Why does restlessness set in? Why is stillness discomforting and unnerving?

We may prefer to label this silence as meditation or mindfulness or awareness. Regardless, silence can wake us up inside. It is in this silence we meet – ourselves and others at a deeper level. We are interconnected in solitude. Observe this silence in nature, in life, between the events, at the beginning and towards the end of the day. It is transformational. Focus on the breath. Experience the internal calm. Silence draws our attention towards this very moment of our existence. It is in “this eternal now”, we can significantly and blissfully live!

Hello Me, I will always be here.

by Monika Dewan, posted in Life, Parenting, Poem, Poetry, Self Discovery
Source@google

Someone said, “We mature with damage not with age.”
There is a different (inner) devil at every stage.
Today I am inviting some of them for tea.
These frightened parts of me!
I have kept them hidden, I have denied,
Disowned and shamed them several times.
For I could not do what I was supposed to.
For I could not become what was expected of me.

These are my inner children wanting to be- free. So, today I let some of them be! (seen).

For that kid in me is sometimes three,
It demands all the attention she missed on.
She frets, and doesn’t know how to express and who to explain what is her pain?
The world is lonely and dark and mundane.
Where is everyone?
How do they all function?
What is the ‘normal’?

Who do I question? There is no one near except fear. She is expected to be quite. A “Good child”. Tired of all this, little one cries.

Sometimes, this inner child of mine,
Is thirteen. Feeling the pain of growing up and changes in adolescence.
The world is scary, strange and unsafe.
She hides behind her pride.
Lets loose the inner rebel. She formulates a survival guide. Strong face. Just a disguise. Yet a safe disguise!

Sometimes this inner child is nine. Desiring a new bicycle and a pair of running shoes. Why do people ridicule?
Why can’t I fight back? Break the norm.
Break their bones!
I will be a Don!
Dare they strike!
I will kill. I will fight…!
Some voice mimics, the dialog from the social script of ‘that mean aunt’ in every family, who is always critical, of literally everything!
“Oh my little child, but you are a girl… You will not survive. Uh, accept that it’s your plight. For those boys are big and you are just nine! Surrender! For if God wanted you to be successful you would not have been a girl’!”
My child at nine decided to hide(“the girl”) till whenever possible. Frills and frocks were discarded for rough jeans. Long curls gone just like the story ‘Maggie Cuts her Hair’. She’d defy. I am no less. I am a Tom-‘boy’! Fighting on the street. Bruised legs and feet, it did not pain. It was a matter of prestige! The scars were the pride, of my inner child.

However, these lessons are wrongly learnt it was a survival guide.
It felt safe to defy,
To be angry rebel or to hide.
For long, I let my coping mechanism be my comfort zone.
As that was what could possibly be done!
It’s  an un-learning time.
With you, I work, to reconcile.

Today in my forties, I acknowledge this pain,
My inner children, you are not shamed!
Now, I won’t let you suffer again.
I won’t deny, in me, you may confide.
For, we are the same.
Let go of these fears.
You are safe, as I am here!
For you, I will always be here!

Comforting Darkness

by Monika Dewan, posted in Uncategorized
Photo Credits:instagram account rewilding for women

Can Darkness can be attractive to light warriors? Makes me wonder is it fearlessness or is it familiarity?
Is it stepping out off comfort zone or stepping into it? Some of us need a storm to feel safe! Conflict seem familiar territory. Trouble feels home.
We don’t see things as they are we see things as we are. Perhaps, knowing your own darkness makes it easy to deal with darkness in others. Perhaps accepting yourself helps accepting others easier.
Those triggers in close interaction and all that pain help us to understand those un-loveable parts of us that shows up during the conflicts. Those might be opportunities to relate better. Growth lies in owning up those dark parts of self that are so difficult to accept. In learning to be our own friend, we learn to befriend others. So, I ponder, your darkness might be an opportunity for me to grow, while my darkness can be a trigger to your journey of self awareness. So, it is for us to see….. Where do we go now?