Personality Contest was an important event at the cultural fest at SPM College, Delhi. I stood there in the corridor accompanying my three beautiful friends, least interested in that event. Make-up and all… uh, not my cup of tea!
It was our first year in college. In those days, ‘college’ was not just an institution. It was a platform to create self-identify. In the absence of social media, it was ‘the community’. Being ‘cool’, ‘being popular’, and being ‘sought after’ were important validations, just as career goals (if not more!). I had always been an ambivert (partly extrovert, partly introvert), beside being a Tomboy. Quick to make friends and known for playing pranks on people.
I loved to believe, I was not a delicate darling, but a strong, rough, and tough girl!
The senior wrote the names of my friends on the paper and flapped the shabby paper at me with a look of contempt. “You can’t apply! You are not selected.”
I never wanted to participate in the first place! It was not “my type” of an event.
However, her way of speaking put me off. Anger took over. Now through therapy, I understand better what I did not know then, that, ‘anger’ can be a blanket emotion.
So with all the hurt in my heart and ‘feeling not good enough’ and ugly, I walked towards doing what I had never done before. Quite impulsively, I approached the lecturer concerned with my request.
“Ma’am, although this event is not my kind, and I understand that I will be eliminated in the first round itself, kindly give me a chance to participate.”
She was quick to give her consent and my name was added along with my friends.
Chemicals in the brain… I could feel the rush! I didn’t realize that I had got myself in an uncomfortable zone.
It was a new journey as I started to prepare for my participation with only three days at hand.
I did not have any pair of heels. So I went to buy them. Much to my embarrassment, when I tried to walk, I fell. I hated it. I found it hard to practice for the ramp walk. I kept encouraging myself by saying, “It is for one round only, then I will be in the audience with my class, cheering my friends. Hooting and enjoying.”
The day came and I literally wrapped my saree (as it was far from being draped!) and hair tied with a clip, rushed to the college. In our English department classroom, the whole bunch of girls took over. My saree was draped beautifully. My hair was done in a nice top-notch bun. Personal Make-up boxes were there and I don’t even know what all went on my face. Honestly, I did not even look at myself in the mirror. I was somewhere else all the time. I was physically present but mentally away in my own world. There was this constant battle going on in my mind. My ego was bruised. No one knew about it. It had me in flames. I didn’t care a two penny, about the contest. It was all about being on the stage.
Since I did not have time to buy contact lenses so, I had decided that I would remove my glasses in the first round which was the ramp walk and introduction, then I had plans to enjoy among the audience.
On the stage, red curtains were drawn. The carpets were also red. Oh my God…I couldn’t see without my glasses. There was now a threat of tripping over the carpet in my new heels. (I had to mentally focus to keep my weight backward when I walked). To add to that stress now, there was a danger of me literally walking off the stage. The red color was a big distraction. I could not see where the stage ended! I hated myself for putting me there!
However, once I was there on the stage, I felt home. Something took me over. I was comfortable and at ease. Surprisingly, I started to enjoy myself. During my introduction, I honestly told the judges and the audience that I had been a tomboy and I wore glasses. I cleared the elimination round. I kept moving forward easily, as subsequent rounds included quizzing, acting, and oration were not much of a challenge. Overall, it was an unforgettable and memorable event and I had to go without sitting in the audience.
Breaking the stereotypes, I was crowned Miss Personality SPM College 1996. In those days, Jassi Jaisi Koi Nahi was a popular show on air. On the stage, Jassi came to life for a day. That day, a simple plain-looking girl in glasses, stole the show and the limelight. She went missing right after the contest. No one saw her again!
People talked about her, while I stood right next to them, not identifying me (My friends reading this know and would agree).
I think, after all, she was not a real person. She was a group effort. The entire class contributed to creating her, making her look the way she did. She was the sum of everyone’s effort and energy. I just played a role on the stage. It was also about- the challenge. The idea of achieving something when it seemed impossible, I strongly believe everything lies in the power of our mind.
Today as I reflect. I can see it very differently. It brings about those two major issues we all struggle with, at some point or the other in our life. First, to be chosen for who we are. We all want to be seen and acknowledged by others, more so by people whom we care about, like our coworkers, friends, and more importantly by our family. Somehow, we feel the need to prove our worth first! This belief of ‘worthiness,’ is so bloody engrained in our mind by this society. We need a ‘high’ about this sense of achievement, to believe, that we are actually worthy and deserve to be loved. Most of the time, we feel not good enough. We internalize, that we are setting goals or increasing standards for our improvement. Sadly, it’s just a cover-up for shame in not accepting ourself!
The second realization is a hard one for me that, the bruised ego is a dangerous weapon. In this context, it brought about a positive outcome. Challenges work on ego. Anger stems from ego. Ego is a false sense of identity. As I reflect on my life, I understand this, time and again the challenges have brought out the best in me professionally and personally. It is a different learning altogether, now, as I look back, I see my ego staring right back at me!
Undoubtedly, there was an achievement and I must give it, its due credits. First, to myself for stepping out of my comfort zone and attempting new things that were not ‘my type’ and navigating through the challenges.
Second, to all my friends from the English department who supported me. It was their incredible effort and presence, memories of which, are so close to my heart.
Last but not the least, it feels like a tremendous achievement to break the stereotype!
Enjoy, Miley Cyrus in The Climb….
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 