तेरी याद
Author: Monika Dewan
Life long learner.
Love to read and write.
Teacher by profession.
Humane.
Authentic.
Let them be
I sat there on my teacher chair.
Thinking and pondering,
For as a mother, I have been guilty,
For being a part of the belief-
Children are my reflection,
They are like me.
It’s every parent’s proud fallacy!
Have you ever wondered?
Why, why do I want them to be like me?
Why is it important for them to make me happy?
What is it if not a boost to my ego?
What about their own identity?
I see them kids try-hard.
They try with all their heart.
They let themselves be lead into our dream.
That was never their own, in the first place.
What price they pay, no one sees.
The hollow social system of appeasement and puppetry!
Do we question? Do we?
We are leading them into drudgery.
Slaves of a faulty society, Where fish is judged on its ability to climb trees!
What a plight to see,
The happy faces ushered to slavery!
High frustrations, drugs, and whatnot
Where are those teenagers, carefree?
Where in world can peace dwell?
No darkness can disappear when you choose hell!
Mindless desires, useless comparisons, nothing can be ever enough.
I am, what I am supposed to be.
I don’t need children to be, the extensions of me!
Just let them be!
तन्हाई
सफ़ेद धुंध में, ओस की चादर ओढ़े
खड़ी है तन्हाई,
कुछ गुमसुम, कुछ घबराई सी,
उसकी धीमी सिसकियां,
मैंने और दबाई,क्योंकि,
समझना नहीं है फितरत में
हर इंसान की, यह गैहराही।
कहीं सोच गलत है,
किसी का धुंधला नज़रिया,
किसी ने अपनी असलियत छुपाई…
मतभेद में उलझी है जिंदगी,
डरा सहमा सा है हर आदमी,
उसको खुदही से चाहिए रिहाई।
क्यों औरों पे लगाऐं इल्ज़ाम?
लो पहले अपने ज़मीर की गवाही!
यह क्या कह रही है, तेरे मेरे बीच की तन्हाई?
Oh Hell! Stuck on a Hamster’s wheel?
Hell is not a place. It exists as a state of mind. Where the senses appear to collapse under the intense sensory overload. Hell can feel like an eternity. It is a living death. Suffering or pain afflicts in all possible forms. Pain could either be physical or psychological or both. Pain is a protective biological process to keep a person safe. It creates neurotransmitters in the brain for future reference. The paradox is, that pain, is not a conscious form of energy. It does not know if the response to it is for the better or not. Our unconscious brain has a characteristic, that, it gets attached to repetition. People can get addicted to pain, as it seems a familiar place to be. Trapped in a painful situation, people are unable to step down the hamster’s wheel. They keep repeating the cycle of pain. The situations or people who trigger pain may be varied, at different phases of life. However, the outcome is the same pain. When a person lives this way, he is experiencing helplessness and feels trapped in hell. It takes a tremendous amount of work to break the cycle. Occasionally a person can identify, some kind of pattern in the mistakes he repeatedly makes. As a result, guilt and shame give rise to much mental and emotional suffering. His brain gets signals to be hyper-vigilant or over-cautious. This may push him into a state of inactivity or numbness. The fear of making the same mistakes prevents him from taking control of his life. Unable to take accountability for his actions, further leads to the feeling of being trapped in hell. New neurotransmitters can only be established when we do new things. When we walk the unknown path or identify and change our patterns. Even when we are mindful, we might still somehow end up making the same mistakes. We might feel, incapable of getting down the hamster’s wheel. It may seem as if we are going round in loops. However, it is significant to understand that when we are conscious of our inner realities, the path is not a circle anymore. The trajectory becomes a spiral. Multidimensional. When we visit similar situations and similar mistakes, with more understanding and compassion it leads to our growth and recovery. The journey gets transformed into a healing spiral where we gain more wisdom to neutralize our reactivity towards suffering. This learning leads to our emancipation from suffering. Acknowledging the function that pain plays can guide us to a better understanding of our defense mechanisms. The key to growth and change lies in its acceptance and not in avoidance. So, with self-awareness, we can reconstruct a favorable life with amazing outcomes. We can step down the hamster’s wheel leading to liberation from our hell!
Dream
I dream to hoard time
Like coins in my piggy bank.
I dream to store the smell of rain,
Will sniff, when life is insane.
I wish to release the fragrance of Jasmine,
That would lighten up my tired spirit.
I desire to keep the breeze locked in my hair.
Morning dew on my face,
And Sunlight in my soul.
I want to preserve fireflies,
In the wild, of my eyes.
I crave to taste the clouds.
I hope to fly to the mountains tops.
And walk on the sea beds.
I want to play with the starfish.
I wish to breathe, the moonlight.
I want to identify that
Song, stuck in my head!
Let my words talk straight.
Let my expressions be clear.
As I desire to understand,
And be understood.
I drive to collect,
All the moments of joy.
Living to the fullest before I die!
Two anxious birds.
Two anxious birds sitting on a tree.
Each wondering
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I be like everybody?”
“Why can’t they understand me!”
Then anxiety sneaks in.
Although I discover no reason.
It is safer to love for a season!
Then love recedes into eternity.
For, in accepting responsibility,
One needs to see reality.
Accountability can be scary.
It’s not everyone’s cup of tea.
I don’t blame anybody.
It is lifelong learning.
To deal with self and vulnerability.
So, you and I will never be we!
As we are determined to be-
Two anxious birds,
Sitting troubled, on a tree.
This poem depicts power struggle in relationships and friendships, where the people involved sabotage the connection. The uninvestigated personal traumas can affect all people close to us especially who are emotionally connected to us.
Happily a misfit
Knock knock…
Who is there?
It’s me.
What do you wear, Gucci?
No, a simple T. Oh is it!!
Where do you eat, at fine dining?
No, I love the street.
So downmarket!!!
Hey, you don’t walk in elegance and style!
I don’t know.
How do you achieve it?
Believe me, I tried!
I tried to read and understand.
I strived to choose the best values,
I tried to live my life humanely,
I preferred kindness,
I connected with joy,
I learned to recognize my ego,
I discovered how to silence my mind.
Oh! I think you have comprehended it wrongly!
For you to be somebody,
You need to do just the contrary!
You will not accomplish anything like this!
Start again. This time try harder.
Kill that compassion. Keep that nose up.
Your head in the air.
And attitude, high.
For you to be valued,
Conceal the true you.
Keep them guessing.
Keep them at bay.
Allow the price tags to talk, Okay???
Oh no…! Why put up an act?
I can’t do all this… !
I only know how to be me.
Authenticity is crucial to my being!
Maybe, I am naive.
Maybe, I will never learn worldly ways.
Maybe, this would keep me alienated.
Maybe, I go astray.
Yet, this is what I choose to be.
Happily a misfit!
The words vibe
“Control” is an interesting word. We all understand that the only thing, we possibly can control, is ourselves. So, when I mention control here, it is regarding self. We read about quotes like these – “If you don’t control your emotions they will rule you.” And “You can change your destiny by controlling your thoughts.” On my healing journey, I realized that this word is misplaced. We all are going through transformation and change and so should the word “control” in its context. I think it needs to be replaced by a more compassionate phrase – Self-regulation. I am in love with the world of words, and I find self-regulation to be organic and apt to substitute the word “control” in these quotes and in life in general. Rephrasing the quotes: “If you don’t self-regulate your emotions they will rule you.” And “You can change your destiny by self-regulating your thoughts.”
What is the difference? How does this even matter? The major difference is the vibration and connotation of the word.
Controlling is indicative of denial. It slowly builds resentment within. Self-regulation suggests acceptance and reflection with a desire for a favorable change. It does not bring resentment but builds confidence. The need to control thoughts, emotions, etc. implies there exists a state of powerlessness. Whereas, the word self-regulation shows that we already possess the power. It shows awareness of the situation that requires to be regulated.
Self-regulation is one of those points where spirituality and psychology converge. It is here divine inner spark is felt. While practicing self-regulation we can detach from the situation and avoid reactivity. Usually, self-regulation can be achieved using healthy mechanisms and tools like meditation, journaling, and exercise. Control is achieved by numbing, using alcohol, excessive eating, workaholism, manipulation, or such stuff (for self). Control works on the ego level. It seems to demonstrate strength. However, self-regulation operates on a deeper soul level to bring about a peaceful shift. It helps us to achieve alignment between body and mind. Goals can be achieved using either of them (or occasionally both of them) with practice. After all, the choice is ours. Transformation in any aspect of our life happens only when we integrate our learning with the choices we make. Quoting Carl Jung, “I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”
After all, we decide our vibe!
Living someone else’s life?
Scientifically, the Sun never sets. Sunset is an illusion. We buy it for the human experience. We let it soak in our memory. We admire its beauty. In other words, the experience here super seeds the logic.
What if, one day you wake up and you are told the world is all changed? Everything you thought was you were incorrect. You have no identity. You are left wondering who you are. This is a dangerous place to be, for most of what we think we are, is a role played by the ego. It tries to keep us safe. When we no longer connect with it, whatever we are not, it shun. Like chaff from the rice. What remains is truth. Ego gives us resistance, it numbs us. It gets wounded and reacts. Once we understand it, we can see it is trying to protect us and in this effort to maintain safety at all times, still, we end up paying a big price.
Most of the time we don’t know that we don’t know. We assume based on our conditioning. We rarely challenge our thinking to know why we think, what we think, because, we are taught it is insane. We are taught to live by “worldly ways”. However, so-called normal is what the majority of people do. It doesn’t necessarily mean it is correct. If we are unable to distinguish what is taught to us and what we feel, we can’t possibly know ourselves fully. If we don’t know ourselves, then we can’t possibly know our core values. If we don’t know our values, how can we live them? If we don’t live according to our values then who’s life are we living?
Let’s wake up and check are we living someone else’s life? Today, we might be experiencing the dark night, however, if we commit to working towards our authenticity, we will soon behold an experience of a beautiful sunrise!
In silence we meet
An incredible and enjoyable journey in life is the one, which we embark on as travelers and not as tourists. When we don’t have a set path. When there is no road map to guide. We just go ahead, a little unsure, a little uncertain as to what the future awaits. Not knowing what landscapes we would discover. Navigating slowly. Experiencing each moment. Embracing what it brings – the thrills, the disappointments, the joys, and the sorrows, as they appear. Soaking in the experience. These bittersweet adventures leading to our mental, emotional and spiritual growth.
However, our conditioning is such that, we attach meanings to everything around us. Everything “should” make sense for us to feel safe. If it doesn’t for some reason, we force our brain to give some connotation to it. If still, we can’t, then we become anxious and restless. Our mind is in continuous conversation with us. We live with constant chatter in our heads, day in and day out. The issue here is, that, we observe things through the lens of society. We infer meaning based on whatever mental programming we acquire while growing up. We identify so much with our mind, that we can not recognize this dysfunction. It requires us to get detached to make sense of it. Like we do with others, we need to give ourselves some space to unwind too. This means, we must learn to sit in stillness and just be. Sometimes, the inaction is the most rightful action! To let peace and calm flow, may mean, spending time alone. Especially to quiet the mental noise. However, being still can be scary for people who keep jumping from one thing to another and one activity to another, as a coping mechanism. Always wanting to stay busy to distract the mind from whatever is troubling us, is numbing. So, stillness can be tough. Staying calm and/or sitting in silence, brings one closer to one’s self. Similar to Vipassana Meditation, which is done by keeping total silence for days. Although it looks simple, many people leave it halfway, unable to complete ten days of the retreat.
So let us get curious. Why is this silence so difficult? What does staying silent bring about in us? What is that we don’t want to accept? Why does restlessness set in? Why is stillness discomforting and unnerving?
We may prefer to label this silence as meditation or mindfulness or awareness. Regardless, silence can wake us up inside. It is in this silence we meet – ourselves and others at a deeper level. We are interconnected in solitude. Observe this silence in nature, in life, between the events, at the beginning and towards the end of the day. It is transformational. Focus on the breath. Experience the internal calm. Silence draws our attention towards this very moment of our existence. It is in “this eternal now”, we can significantly and blissfully live!
Musings - An Endeavour to writing 